New Year's Eve

Well, it's that time of year again. Time to make a New Year's Resolution, so for my New Year's Resolution I resolve to be resolute.

Cookies

I don't understan' what all the fuss is about cookies. The NSA is givin' people cookies that they don't want. The White House is givin' people cookies that they don't want. Heck, if y'all don't want the dang cookies, then don't eat 'em. Instead, why don'tcha take a cracker or somethin'. As far as I'm concerned, more cookies fer me an' Karl.


Update: Okay, someone jus' tol' me that the press is talkin' about cookies on people's computers. I still don't get it though. How's a computer gonna eat a cookie?

Boxin' Day

Someone wished me a "Happy Boxin' Day" jus' a li'l while ago. Shoot, I didn't realize there was a special day set aside jus' fer boxin'. I gotta grab me some chips and beer an' find out when the big fight's gonna be on the t.v. Wow, I wonder if there's a Wrestlin' Day too.

Christmas Eve

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a Democrat was stirring, not even to grouse;

Official pens were hung by the chimney with ink
In hopes the Senate would pass bills w'out a think.

Neo-cons were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Dubya danced in their heads;

And Laura in her nightgown, and I in my shorts
We'd jus' settled down for a nap of some sorts,

When down in my tummy there rose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed wonderin' what was a matter.

Away to the window I stumbled half assed,
Tore open the shutters, hopin' nausea would pass.

The moon on the lawn all covered in snow
Made me think of my college days, y'know . . .

When what to my blurry vision should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,

With a chubby, ol' driver, so lively and quick,
I wondered why he dressed like ol' St. Nick.

More rapid than F-15 Eagles his coursers they came
And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now Dasher, now Dancer, Now Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet, on Cupid, On Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

As dry leaves by strong winds thrown all amiss
Out of doors tumbled men of protective service.

They shouted out calls of restricted air space,
Yet still the sleigh headed for my rooftop apace.

The chubby old driver then landed his sled,
And agents protective sought ladders from the shed.

I rushed down the hallway, but then whirled around,
When from the Lincoln Bedroom there came but a sound.

Quite carefully I turned the antique door knob,
Only to find a jolly old elf with a pipe of corncob.

He dressed in red and white from top of head to toe,
So I questioned his patriotism, not wearin' blue also.

He grimmaced, then groaned, and wagged his finger,
And I 'gan to wonder how long he would linger,

When suddenly from behind his copious figure,
He brought forth a sack of gifts making my heart aquiver.

He pushed aside small boxes, and reached for one quite large,
Which made me think he knew that I was in charge.

With a wink and a smile, he handed over my gift,
Then rose up the chimney without needing a lift.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

Without waiting for Christmas, I tore open my box
Only to find some coal and smelly old socks.

And I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of seeing,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to George impeachment hearings!"

Merry Christmas to Me!

Us Republicans scored big with the one month extension on the Patriot Act. The six month extension would've jus' led to things piddlin' out. (Ha, ha, I wrote "piddlin'" on the internet.) But the one month is jus' perfeck. That way the deadline comes right after my State o' the Union Address, an' everyone will be focused on ME and what I'M sayin'. I get ta get in the las' word, so I'll be sure to wow everyone with my mental acumint and my prowess of speech.

Christmas Shopping

Whoa, I've only got three shopping days until Christmas. I gotta get somethin' fer Laura. An' this year I can't jus' snag somethin' from the Lincoln Room an' have an Aide gift wrap it. I think that only works once.

But Why Can't I Have the Oil?

I cannot believe the Senate once again rejected oil drillin' in Alaska's wildlife refuge. They're supposed to represent the people, and aren't I the grand maninfestation of the people. I want my oil, dammit. Besides, what's a caribou gonna do with oil anyway? Probably jus' poop in it. And that caribou, well one day in the far future he's jus' gonna be more oil. In fact, millions of years from now, all that wildlife we see today will jus' be oil. So really, it's the Alaskan Oil Refuge--that's really what it is. An' if it's an oil refuge, then we should be allowed to drill it.

Ouch

Someone jus' said he saw on th' news that I'm gonna get probed. Dang, I didn't think my physical was comin' up so soon.


Update: Okay, he was talkin' 'bout that Senate investigation on what kinda spyin' I been authorizin'. Whew . . .

Congressional Investigations? But Why?

I don't see why Republicans and Democrats are both callin' for investigations into my actions in spyin' on Americans. What gives them the right to question and investigate me? Heck, it's my right as Presidint to do all the questionin' and investigatin'. After all, it says so in the Constitution or Declaration of Independence, or somethin'. Doesn't it?

The Importance of the Patriot Act

I know this is supposed to be my personal blog and all, and not a place to pontificize, but I jus' wanna take a serious moment here to explain why the country needs the Patriot Act. What people don't understan' is that . . . Whoa, Frosty the Snowman is on! I gotta go . . .

I'm Tryin' ta Defend the Country Here

Here I am, tryin' to do my job as Presidint an' keep the people safe, an' what does the Senate do but hamstrung me and block renewal of the Patriot Act. An' if they don't renew the Patriot Act, how will I be able to authorize wire taps on Americans an' stuff--not that I'm doin' anythin' like that anyhow.

The way I sees it, civil liberties jus' get in the way of stoppin' all those terrorists. In fact, if civil liberties gets in the way of stoppin' terrorists, jus' think 'bout it now, then that means that civil liberties are helpin' the terrorists. An' if civil liberties are helpin' the terrorists, then that means that civil liberties is jus' another terrorist threat an' weapon. An' anyone who stands up fer civil liberties is a de factoid terrorist.

So help me to help stop terrorism by cuttin' off some o' them unhelpful civil liberties. Help me ta help you not help the terrorists who is helped by the civil liberties that don't really help us 'cause Americans don't need help to be free. 'Cause freedom. It's all 'bout the freedom, an' not some intellectual elitist idea 'bout civil liberties.

S'more Thoughts on Children

Y'know, I been thinkin' more on this invisible children thang. Why's everyone sayin' poor children are invisible anyway? Everytime I see a charity for children, it's for poor children. Mos' o' the time I see news stories on children, it's 'bout poor children. Why when Katrina hit, I saw lotsa stories 'bout poor children. Not one sufferin' rich kid.

If you was to ask me, I mighta said it's rich children is invisible. I don't see no charities for rich children. I don't seen no news stories on the plight of rich children. It's not easy y'know. Them private schools require all kindsa exspensive uniforms for wearin'. An' those li'l yip-yap dogs wi' the jewelled collars--well, thems ain't cheap.

This Christmas, maybe we should all take a moment an' remember the rich children of the world. They are equally as deservin' of our prayers an' wishes as the poor.

Wow, Invisible Children!!!

Whoa, jus' saw some headline 'bout invisible children. This is big. Maybe the CIA can start recruitin' 'em or somethin'!


Update : Okay, I jus' read the full article. Turns out their talkin' 'bout poor children. Heck, poor children ain't invisible--we jus' don't look at 'em is all. Unclear headline. Journalists should try to be more responsible.

Seven Golden Globe Nominations. Hmm . . .

I hear that some western by the title o' Brokeback Mountain got nominated for seven Golden Globes. Seven! Wow, much more 'an that an' I'll run out o' fingers to count on. At any rate, it's good to see that westerns are back in popularity again. Bein' a range man myself, I bet this is my kinda movie. Maybe Karl will wanna see it with me.

A Blue Monday

I can't believe the Supreme Court is lookin' at congressional redistrictin' in Texas. We done stole those seats fair an' square. We even called "No takebacks!" An' I even said, "Infinity." An' Tom Delay even called out "Infinity + 1!" An' I nominated John Roberts to the Supreme Court. An' why isn't John Roberts doin' what I want?

I Didn't Even Know I'se Nominated

I jus' saw some headline that said that I won the Heisman! "Bush Wins Heisman!" Shoot, I gotta be the first Persident to win the Heisman! I better get my acceptation speech ready.

Update: Okay, it was Reggie Bush who won the Heisman. They should make those headlines clearer.

Happy Day

I'm so happy I got it up! I can't believe it, but it's true. I got it up! I got it up! Maybe it's just a little, but it's up!


Update: Um, I was talkin' about my approvement ratings. Hope everyone wuz clear on that.

'Tis the Season

I love this time of year. Turnin' on the radio an' listenin' to the classic Christmas songs. My favorite's the one with those dogs barkin' out "Jingle Bells." Man, that jus' 'bout cracks me up everytime.

On another note--hey, I made a funny, get it, note? Y'know, cause I'm writin' this here note. Anyway, on another note, peoples seem to be makin' a fuss over th' Chris'mas cards Laura an' I sent out this year. Well, if ya asks me, seems mighty un-Christian-like to be criticizin' a friendly gesture on th' part of your Commander 'n Chef. If peoples wanna be glum 'bout somethin', I can have them card criticizers (especially that one threw my card in the trash) shipp'd to a secret prison camp in . . . . Oh, yeah, I can't say where. Ha, ha.

Anyway, Happy Holidays.

Benchmarks

Today Senator Joseph Biden said that while I was forthcoming about mistakes in Iraq that I "did not share with the American people any benchmarks by which we can measure progress." I'll have you know that I've got lotsa bechmarks. I has got one that sez "George luvs Laura-pie," an' another one sez "Dubya -n- Laura 4Ever!" Carved 'em into a bench with my own pocket knife too.

Bad Report Card

I can't believe this! It feels like college all over again--an' not the good part that involved lots of drinkin', partyin', drinkin', flirtin', an' drinkin'.

The 9-11 Commission released a report card an' gave the governmint, includin' my administration, seventeen grades of "D" or "F" to only one "A-".

Man, I hope the "A-" was for the colors of the Threat Advisory warning system, 'cause I spent a lotta time colorin' them in myself.

Chris'mas Trees

I is sick an' tired of all the nitpickin' about Chris'mas trees. Why, in Oklahoma some politician named Randy Terrill wen' an' had the State remove a tree that had been decorated by elementary school students. Only an insensitive nut job would take a Chris'mas tree away from a children.


Update: Okay, it turns out Randy Terrill's a Republican. Never mind.

Funny Joke

Someone jus' mailed me a funny joke. Here, I'll cut an' paste it for y'all to read:

Who Is At Fault?

A woman, in a hot air balloon, realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude, and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago. But, I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS, and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 234! 6 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes North latitude, and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes West longitude."

She rolled her eyes, and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information. And I am still lost. Frankly, you have not been much help to me."

The man smiled, and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am!" replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well..." said the man, "you do not know where you are, or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep. And you expect me to solve your problem. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met. But somehow, now it's all my fault."

Now that's jus' funny, 'cause, y'know, the Democrat's stuck on th' groun' while the Republican's up in the balloon. Man, that image jus' cracks me up! I bet it'd make a good cartoon, except, y'know, without all them words, 'cause they kinda lose me there.

Good Polling News

I jus' heard some good news. Accordin' to a poll in The Jerusalem Post, Arabs do not dislike me the most. When asked, 45% of Mideast Arabs said they disliked Ariel Sharon the most, an' only 30% disliked me the most. Now, let me do the math here . . . So that would mean that like 75% of Mideast Arabs would prefer me messin' around wit' Middle East politics than Sharon. That's like a 5 to 1 preference. I gotta make sure Scotty gets these numbers out to th' media.

Propaganda Investigation

I'm noticin' some fuss over propaganda bein' spread in Iraq. Well, I'll have y'all know that I'ma lookin' into this one myself.

Update: So what I learned is we're planting propaganda in Iraqi newspapers. What's wrong with that? We do that here.

Passwords is Tricky

Sorry I haven't posted fer a couple days. I lost my dang password. I usually keep it nex' ta the computer along with some o' the launch codes, but Dick came in a coupla days ago an' when he saw the launch codes he jus' 'bout busted a gut. Took it all away. Monitor, passwords, everythin'. But today I got myself a new monitor an' I remembered that my password's easy to remember, 'cause it's President! Shoot, I can't believe I forgot that.

Update: Okay, I jus' realize that I shouldn't have written that, so my password's no longer President--really.