Dubya's Personal Blog

Bored

2009-05-08T00:04:00.000-07:00

Wow, sure am bored. Retirement kinda sucks. Sure wish I could blow sumthin' up.

Goat

2009-01-23T17:36:00.000-08:00

I know I sed goodbye an' all, but I just had to post this 'cause I think there're some Nigerian-thinkin' type people out there here in the media in our own American nation, 'cause their tryin' ta make a goat outta me fer the country's ills, when we all know it's all Bill Clinton's fault.

Anyway, here's two links to a story 'bout how police in Nigeria think some car thief turned into a goat to try to evade capture: Link #1, Link #2.

Man, that's jus' crazy talk.

Anyone with half a brain knows that if you wanna evade capture you oughtta turn into a cheetah or sumthin'.

Retirement Party

2009-01-21T11:38:00.001-08:00

Wow, yesterday was a blast. Had the biggest retirement party ever. Not only did both 'Publicans an' Demoncrats come out to celebrate my eight years of office, but looking out over the mall it looked near 'bout the whole country came to give me a proper send off. Heck, even Aretha Franklin came out an' belted out a number fer ol' Dubya.

Oh yeah, an' they also swore the new guy in. After all, can't hog all the glory to myself.

Heh, Heh, Years of Secret Dodgeball Training Finally Pays Off . . .

2008-12-14T14:06:00.000-08:00

I'm More Popular than Obama

2008-12-03T23:11:00.000-08:00

Well, there ya go. Obama got hung up on twice when trying to make a phone call to a plain ol' ordinary congresswoman. Heck, it's never happen'd to me. No one's ever hung up on Dubya.

Sometimes they don't pick up, maybe even oftentimes, but they NEVER hang up.

I'm Innicent

2008-11-19T01:00:00.000-08:00

Whoa, Uncle Dick an' Al Gonzales got indited. Hope I don't git indited as well, but if I do I got me a great alibi. Jus' ask any Dem, an' they'll tellya, I been asleep in the oval office the whole time.

Things Change

2008-11-11T15:19:00.000-08:00

Met that Obama feller yesterday. Seems like a nice enough guy. Fact of the the matter is he's young, has little experience, hasn't been much involved in international politics, and he's charismatic. To be honest, he reminds me a lot of myself when I was elected. Only difference is I'm not a Harvard man.

Oh yeah, also, he's a Senator and I was a Governor.

Otherwise, no real difference far as I can tell.

Update: Hey, what's the deal here, how come I din't get invited on the big Republican Cruise???

Elections 2008

2008-11-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

Is it over???

Can I come out now?

Don't Worry!!!

2008-10-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

Uncle Cheney's gonna hafta visit the hospital fer an irregular heart beat, but dontcha worry one bit. I'm ready to take charge if necessary!

A Li'l Secret

2008-10-07T17:25:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd letchy'all in on a li'l secret befoer I disembark from this office. Here's my inspiration fer all my interviewin' I had to do as Presidint. I suspectify that our Sarah Palin is not unfamiliar with Mr. Collins' technique.

Scintillating!!!

2008-10-05T18:20:00.000-07:00

She's Like a Young Me If I Were from Alaska--and If I Were Female.

2008-10-01T18:19:00.000-07:00

I Couldn't Have Said Any of It Any Bettor Myself

2008-09-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

That's My Gal

2008-09-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

Gotta Love that Gal!!!

2008-09-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

Um, I mean the one on the left.

No, not the leftist one.

The one on the right.

Um, I mean the one on my right, the political right.

Oh Dammit, the hot one!

Whew!!!!

2008-09-15T16:25:00.000-07:00

Boy, I'm glad I already made all my money, or at least had Daddy make it fer me.

What a Disappointment!

2008-08-22T03:01:00.000-07:00

I've got myself a case of insyan . . . , insam . . . , insomalia, er, I can't sleep.

So, anyway, I get up and decide to watch some T.V.--man, y'all can't believe how many channels we get in the White House, an' when ya add in the spy satelite feeds, man, it jus' goes on ferever, like from here to infirmity.

Anyhow, so I turn on the T.V. an' start surfin' thru the guide, when I see they got Drag Racin' on ESPN2, so I figure that's gotta be fun, take me back to my frat days an' all, but I'll be damned if it were'nt what I thought it was. Turns out it's just a bunch a cars with li'l parachutes poppin' out the back.

Bird Brained

2008-08-19T14:17:00.000-07:00

Last week Uncle Dick called me "bird brained." At the time, I thunk it wuz a insult, but now I see that its a complement.

Why Art Sucks

2008-08-12T22:39:00.001-07:00

Apparently, some flyin' piece of crap at an art show got away an' destroyed things in Switzerland--and I mean that literately. Now, that's why I don't like art--it's jus' too dangerous.

I'm Votin' fer Paris

2008-08-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Don't See No Problem

2008-07-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

Well, the liberal media is all hot an' bothered 'cause some Air Force launch crew fell asleep while holdin' classified nucular launch code devices.

Really don't see what the problem is. Do that all the time myself.

Renowned???

2008-07-13T23:14:00.000-07:00

Accordin' ta Yahoo! news, the woman renowned as the worlds oldest blogger "signed off," which is a euphimism fer "kicked the bucket."

The thing I don't get is, in order ta be renowned at somethin', dontcha hafta be nowned at it first. An' another thing, as Presidint, dontcha think I'd know if someone was nowned, much less renowned.

Gotta have my press guy look inta this.

Whiny Whiners

2008-07-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

Phil "I-Ain't-No-Dr" Gramm, one a' John "Take-No_Prisoners" McCain's economic advisors, jus' called America a nation a' whiners.

An' jus ta prove his point, the liberal media's gone off on a whinin' jag 'bout what he sed ever since.

4th of July

2008-07-04T10:27:00.000-07:00

HAPPY INDESCENDENCE DAY!!!

...when we celebrate our descendence as Americans!

Bummed

2008-06-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I havn't been postin' much lately. I've been kinda bummed an' depressed. It's been pointed out to me that this whole Obama-McCain dust-up has imprecations fer me. 'Parently, whichever one of 'em gets the most votes in November gets to have my seat in the Oval Office.

Did anybody else know 'bout this?

Man, nobody tells me nuthin'.

An' to think, I gave McCain my endorsement too. Bet he wuz yuckin' it up inside.

I'll be a Monkey's Uncle . . .

2008-06-22T23:23:00.001-07:00

Well, accordin' to some kinda scientifical research, chimps calm each other down with hugs an' kisses. I guess that jus' goes to show that touchy-feely liberals is descended from chimps.

I Coulda Won a Hundred Dollars!!!

2008-06-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

I bet the answer wuz D. Buyer's Remorse, 'cause that's the one that made the audience chuckle.

Huh?!?

2008-06-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

Someone sent this to me in e-mail. Sed it wuz my greatest speech ever. I don't get it.

Those Whacky Dems

2008-06-04T12:14:00.000-07:00

Man, jus' watched me this video, an' it captures jus' 'bout everythin' I understan' 'bout the Demoncratic primary system:

Why don't they have sumthin' sensible an' straight forward, like us Republicans with a wiener take all approach.

Wow!

2008-05-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, right there that's the difference between Republicans an' Demoncrats, we don't eat our own. Well, 'xcept maybe fer Scotty McClellen. I'd like to eat him out.

. . . um, wait, that din't come out right. Let me try that again.

At least Republicans don't kick one a' their own when their down. 'Xcept maybe fer Scotty McClellen, 'cause I'd sure like ta go down on him.

. . . er . . . I'm jus' hittin' the orange RUBISH POST button on this one.

Why We Can't Let the Dems Win!!!

2008-05-27T17:04:00.000-07:00

Here's a perfekt example of why we can't let the Dems win the Whitehouse. If they do, then I'm sure we'll jus' be seein' more of this:

Don't fergit, this happened in Florida, exactly where Barack Obama an' Hillary Clinton both recently spent sum time campaignin', so the connection oughtta be obvious.

Mixed Bag

2008-05-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

Ouch! Turns out that even airlines have a better satisfaction ratin' than I do.

On the other hand, I think I found a good way to make some money after I leave office. Can't beat this: I can get paid fer bein' a quitter.

Take a Guess . . .

2008-05-20T01:38:00.001-07:00

Can anyone guess what this artifact is? If you wanna know, click here.

Can You Say, "Anger Management"?

2008-05-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

Today we have the opposite of Barack's "Sweetie" slip up from the other day.

Hereeeeeee's Billy:

Sweetie?!?

2008-05-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

'Parently, Barack called sum reporter "Sweetie." Whuts up with that???

Mississippi--Not My Fault

2008-05-13T23:36:00.001-07:00

Okay, so it looks like the Republican party lost another seat in Congress, but it's not my fault, really. I mean, I didn't even campaign fer the guy. If you wanna blame anyone, blame Dick. He went down an' actually campaign'd fer the fella. Or, if you wanna, blame McCain--he's the Republican in the news these days.

Nope, not my fault. I wasn't anywhere near Mississippi. I was at my daughter's weddin'. Heck, I wasn't even drunk--Laura wouldn't let me get anywhere near the booze.

Big Day

2008-05-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is, the day my li'l Jenna gets married. Her weddin' day jus' 'bout brings a tear to my eye. I'm jus' so happy, 'cause y'know what that means? It means that there'll probly be an open bar.

Two Items of Interst

2008-05-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, first, a new study (that's right folks, it's scientifical) . . . anyway, a new study shows that conservatives are happier than liberals (heck, I already knew that). But the neat thing is the reason: it's 'cause we're more rational.

Next, accordin' to some news story Ecuador might be passin' some kinda orgasm law. Heck, how cum we never thought a' that?

Ingratitude

2008-05-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

Well, how d'ya like them apples?!?

Here we are generous enough an' nice enough to admit that perhaps not everyone in Gitmo really belongs there, so we go an' let some peoples go free from the detainment center. An' then, wouldn't you know it, the peoples we is nice enough to set free then turn aroun' an' call Gitmo the most heinous prison mankind has ever known.

The noive!!!

Top Ten New Hillary Slogans (if I were writin' 'em)

2008-05-01T10:24:00.000-07:00

10. "Slings Mud Like a Republican, Votes Like a Democrat"

9. "More Relentless than the Terminator and the Energizer Bunny Combined!"

8. "Chelsea Clinton, Who Wouldn't Want to See Her for Four Years?"

7. "Hillary's Got Game, and It's Scary!"

6. "Married to Bill for over 30 Years--She Can Deal with Congress!"

5. "Vote Hillary, or She'll Kick Your Ass!!!"

4. "Whiskey Shots and Beer Chasers? I'm For Hillary"

3. "The Terrorists? She'll Bust Their Balls!"

2. "Hillary Clinton: One Woman Who Won't Go Down!"

And the number one new Hillary Slogan . . .

1. "She's Got Testicular Fortitude!"

New Study

2008-04-29T01:07:00.000-07:00

Uncle Dick showed me a new study that sez people have a limit of thinkin' 'bout four things at once, then he sed, "'xcept fer you it's probly one."

I guess he sed that 'cause he knows I'm really really focused.

I Found the Perfect Runnin' Mate fer McCain--Well, Other Than Me, Of Course!

2008-04-26T19:26:00.000-07:00

Mistakes Are What Make Me Human

2008-04-23T10:03:00.000-07:00

People keep callin' Iraq my biggest mistake, but if that's true then it's not my fault. It's my humanity, dammit. Accordin' to that vaunted science liberals are so fond of, makin' mistakes over an' over is jus' part of bein' human. Part of our brain trailways, or some other such scientifical terminology.

WTF!!!

2008-04-21T23:43:00.000-07:00

I got jus' under nine months to try ta build me a legacy here.

Who the H-E-DubLE H0CkeY STiCks does Jimmy Carter think he is?!?

How dare he try to bring peace to the middle east!

He had his chance ta screw it up back in the 70s.

Now it's my turn.

Ha Ha, I WIN!!!

2008-04-16T08:36:00.000-07:00

Check this out, in some kinda comparison with the great Harry S. Truman, vaunted Democrat, I win.

I'M THE WINNER!!!

It Don't Make No Kinda Sense

2008-04-14T15:46:00.000-07:00

I jus' don't get it. All the time I'm in office, I constantly hear peoples complainin' 'bout the high prices of pharmesuitical drugs, but now that them very same drugs is available fer free and in the convenience of yer local water, those very same people are complainin' how we gotta get the drugs outta the water.

Jeez, folks, make up yer minds, willya.

Dick Cheney Goes "Fishin'"

2008-04-11T12:58:00.000-07:00

Dick tol' me he wuz goin' fishin', but when I check'd out the pics from the whitehouse website, it became clear that he wuz pursuin' some other kinda water sports. Looks to me like there's a lady in those shady spectacles.

What do you think?

WEIRD!!!

2008-04-10T23:38:00.000-07:00

Well, how 'bout that, scientists say they finded a lungless frog in Indonesia.

Now that jus' don't make no kinda sense. I mean, fer instance, like what's that frog gonna do if he wants ta smoke a cigarette.

I'm a Uniter

2008-04-04T00:25:00.000-07:00

There ya have it, America, accordin' to a CBS-New York Times poll, I've brought 81% of the country together into agreeification about what direction the country is headin' in--even if they happen think it's the wrong one.

Truly, where would America be without me? After all, if ya din't know you wuz on the wrong track, how else would ya know to look fer the right one?

No need to thank me, though, jus' doin' my job.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

2008-04-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

I am postin' this to my blog first so that my most loyal citizens here first what I have to say as yer great leader.

In the past hour our forces have driven from Iraq the last vestiges of terrorism. The war in Iraq is over, an' it's been so successful that beginnin' tomorrow the oil infrastructure will be in place so that gas prices will drop back to pre-1998 levels. As such, we will be saved from what would have certainly been a devastatin' recession. Additionally, John McCain has offered me the Vice Presidincy an' has promised that when he wins the Oval Office that he will resign in recognition of my superior leadership, thus by-passin' the Constitution an' providin' me with a third term as yer glorious Presidint.

An', oh yeah, April Fools!!!!

Somethin' to Yen Fer

2008-03-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

Wow, I guess if yer unemployed in Japan, maybe it's not so bad . . .

World Gone Wild

2008-03-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

Wow, who'd a' thunk it, but 'parently semi-nude videos of yerself can damage yer potential earnin's as a former prostitute.

Sunday

2008-03-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

Nice an' easy Sunday.

Aaaaaahhhhhhh . . .

McCain's off in Iraq fer a campaign visit.

And whattaya know, Dick's in Iraq fer an unannounced visit too.

Hey . . . , waitaminnit, is somethin' goin' on here I should know 'bout? Johnny better not be stealin' my mate, um, I mean my runnin' mate!

Huh?!?

2008-03-09T00:45:00.000-08:00

How'd the Dems win Dennis "Fast Start" Hastert's seat in congress?!?

WTF, is it November already?

Dang, I hate daylight savings. Always confuses the heck outta me.

I Din't Rub Nuthin'

2008-03-06T02:28:00.000-08:00

Some newspaper in Seattle gave out the headline, "Bush Anoints McCain's Bid."

I would jus' like to make it clear that I did NOT rub any kinda ointment anywhere on that man's body, least of all his BID.

In Mammary

2008-02-27T22:22:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that William F. Buckley Jr. has passed away. It's not like we got a lotta smart conservatives left to be losin' any of 'em.

Rest in peace, Willy ol' boy, rest in peace.

Where's the Beef?

2008-02-17T23:21:00.000-08:00

Well, the beef's probly in some school lunch that some kid already et.

Okay, I know that wasn't really in good taste, but I couldn't resist. Besides, it's not my problem, 'cause I'm off ta Africa.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!!!

2008-02-14T16:41:00.000-08:00

Love is in the air. I think when I go upstairs to bed tonight I'll endorse my wife.

All-In

2008-02-12T01:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks I havn't been postin' so much lately.

Did anyone else know that you can play poker on-line. 'Course, I'm playin' Texas Hold-em.

An' gol'darnit, I think this is how I can scare up some cash to pay fer that economic stimulus package.

I jus' gotta win back the money I lost first.

Now, lessee, goin' all-in to draw into an inside straight is s'posed to be good, right?

Um, Okay, I'm on Board -- I Want a Wii!!!

2008-02-06T22:59:00.000-08:00

In fact, I may need to include the Wii in the current economic bill. After all, this certainly gives a whole new meanin' to the phrase "stimulus package."

Oh My, I Think Ann's Gone Off Her Nut . . .

2008-02-01T10:35:00.000-08:00

Ups an' Downs

2008-01-30T10:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm feelin' pretty good 'bout my State o' the Union speech, but also feelin' kinda low that my last big speech in office is bein' upstaged by that damned gone-off-her-nut Britney.

Then again, she does have a charm, not unlike my own daughters in they hay day. If only Britney had a daddy who wuz Presidint, she could learn to live a respectified an' righteous life.

Burnin' the Midnight Oil

2008-01-27T02:23:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am stayin' up into the wee hour o' the night. Jus' tryin' to write down some notes an' . . . hic . . . get ready . . . hic . . . fer my final State o' the Union address.

So far jus' got the two items, but . . . hic . . . that's what we professionals call a foundation or a framework.

Plan to say somethin' 'bout the economy.
Send the Secret Service guys out on another a beer run.

I Win Again!

2008-01-23T22:52:00.000-08:00

Ha, ha, ha, ha . . . Veto Sustained!

Take that you bunch of whiny brats!

Um, an' by brats I mean the Dems, not the children that the bill was s'posed to provide healthcare for, 'cause I care for children. Really, I do. I support children an' love 'em deeply.

But not as much as I love to stick it to those liberal Dems!

Well, Not Accordin' to South Carolina Anyway

2008-01-19T23:01:00.000-08:00

Huh, maybe--jus' maybe--God don't really like Mike Huckabee as much as Mike Huckabee sez he does.

Misquoted

2008-01-16T16:50:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I been done an' gone been misquoted.

Las' week the papers an' the television media reported how I sed that I would see peace in the Middle East before my presidincy wuz up. After that all the prognistificators an' punditeers went full tilt talkin' 'bout how that's jus' me tryin' to boost my legacy and how it jus aint gonna happen.

Thing of it is, that's not what I sed.

What I sed wuz that I would bring peas to the Middle East, an' I did too--a pound o' frozen Birdseye.

Mission Accomplished!

Bath Party

2008-01-12T23:37:00.000-08:00

An Aide tol' me that here in Iraq, their easin' up on the Bath Party.

Well, there's a fresh idea. Why don't we have a Bath Party back in the U.S.?

Now let's see, how could we get a Bath Party started . . . hmm . . . well, I'd invite Scarlett Johansson fer starters, an' maybe that Charlize Theron too.

Dubya's Middle East Journey, a Nine Day Tour

2008-01-08T23:45:00.000-08:00

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from the United States
And to Arab nations sail.

The Veep was mighty quick on the draw,
The Presidint brave and sure.
Many pundits would guffaw that day
'Bout the nine day tour, the nine day tour.

The politics were getting rough,
And my legacy seemed dross,
If not for the courage of my one track mind
The policy would be lost, the policy would be lost.

Air Force One set aground on the sands of these Middle Eastern states
With me, Dubya
An' Dick Cheney too,
My bicycle, oh, an' my wife,
With Condi there
The press corp. and Barney too,
Here on Dubya's journey.

Epifanny

2008-01-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

I jus' had a sudden realization! Y'know them New Year's Day resolutions, well since they're called New Year's Day resolutions I think they only apply to New Year's Day. That bein' the case, y'all can forget 'bout what I sed in my last post, 'cause with the exception of changin' the constitution fer Ahnold, seein' the Rambo film, not sneakin' beers, an' wrestlin' with Dick fer occupation an' control over the Oval Office, they've all been fulfilled.

But don't you worry none neither, 'cause I'm still gonna see that Rambo film.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

I hereby resolve in 2008 to:

1. Respect the constitution as much as possible, so long as it agrees with my wants an' needs.

2. Change the constitution so that one day Schwarzenegger can be Presidint.

3. Watch the new Rambo film as soon as it comes out (don't tell Schwarzy, but I do like Sly Stallone flicks).

4. Stop sneakin' beers as often as I would otherwise do.

5. Tell friggin' Dick that it's my last year in office an' to let me have full use of the oval office goddammit.

Sincerely,
Dubya

Happy hic New Wear!!!

2007-12-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

I resolve not to *hic* rememberify tonight, or the *hic* rest of the parts of 2007 that I did not like, not that I didn't like tonite, 'cause *hic* tonite was fun--really fun!

And I also resolve to be a better Presidint in 2008.

Oh yeah, but wait, I resolved not to rembemberify anythin' from tonite, so scratch that.

Now Why Can't that Michael Moore Fella Make a Documentary Like This?

2007-12-30T06:10:00.000-08:00

I gotta tell you, I think I'm gonna start watchin' more documentaries.

Horrible, Jus' Horrible

2007-12-28T23:46:00.000-08:00

I still can't believe that Bhutto got assasinatified.

I sat down with Barney and shared my sadness an' my thoughts. Barney's a good listener, but he don't say much, what with bein' a dog an' all.

Well, on the upside, at leas' we still got Musharraf.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T23:33:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T23:59:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the America
No Republicans was stirring, 'cause they were all in Iowa.

Official pens were hung by the chimney with ink
In hope Congressnal bills would be vetoed in a wink.

Democrats were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Sub-Prime haunted Neo-Con heads;

And Laura in her nightgown, and I in my shorts
We'd jus' settled down for a nap of some sorts,

When down in my throat there rose such a cough
I remembered why pretzels I had totally swore off.

Away to the window I stumbled half assed,
Tore open the shutters, hopin' chokin' would pass.

The moon on the lawn all covered in snow
I thought of my ol' college days of snortin', y'know . . .

When what to my teary eyes should appear,
But a tiny li'l sleigh and a buncha tiny reindeer,

With a chubby, ol' driver, travelin' quickly by air
I wondered why Homeland Security was not yet there.

More rapid than Huckabee's polls his coursers they came
And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now Dasher, now Dancin', Now Prancin' and Vixen!
On Comet, on Cupid, On Dander and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

As stock prices by bad loans thrown all amiss
Out of doors tumbled men of protective service.

They shouted out calls of restricted air space,
Yet still the sleigh headed for my rooftop apace.

The chubby old driver then landed his sled,
And agents protective sought ladders from the shed.

I rushed down the hallway, but then whirled around,
When from the Lincoln Bedroom there came but a sound.

Quite carefully I turned the antique door knob,
Only to find a stern old elf who called me a slob.

He dressed in red and white from top of head to toe,
So I questioned his patriotism, not wearin' blue also.

He grimmaced, then groaned, and wagged his finger,
And I 'gan to wonder how long he would linger,

When suddenly from behind his copious figure,
He brought forth a gift sack makin' my heart quiver.

He pushed aside small boxes, and reached for one quite large,
Which made me think he knew that I was in charge.

With a wink and a smile, he handed over my gift,
Then rose up the chimney without needin' a lift.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a shout,
And away they all flew like the snot from a snout.

Without waiting for Christmas, I tore open the wrapping
Only to find a brain, which a note said I was quite lacking.

And I heard him exclaim, as he sailed off like a duck,
"Happy Christmas to all, and I hope Dubya gets f#$@ed.

Man, That's Jus' Funny

2007-12-21T07:18:00.000-08:00

Kinda remindifies me of my frat days. We useta pull a lotta stuff in the showers.

Er, maybe that din't come out right.

Quite Alarmin'

2007-12-19T23:20:00.000-08:00

I had nuthin' to do with it. I was somewhere else at the time. I did not start the fire, nor am I in any way connected with the fire.

In fact, I believe it is the fault of the previous administration.

Specifically, Mrs. Clinton.

Or maybe Al Gore.

X-mas Woes

2007-12-18T02:05:00.000-08:00

Man, I can't believe it. How'd it get to be Christmas already. Man, I gotta find somethin' fer the missus. Here's a list of ideas I come up with:

1. dish towels
2. bath towels
3. hand towels
4. beach towels

Oh waitaminit, I got a whole bunch of hotel towels I been savin' up, hmm . . .

A Encouragin' New Poll

2007-12-14T07:14:00.000-08:00

Hey, I jus' took a new poll, an 4 outta 5 Americans said that they'd vote fer me agin if I could run fer Presidint fer a third term.*

* The White House Office of Statistics would like the public to know that this poll consisted of Laura Bush, George W. Bush, George H. W. Bush, Barbara Bush, and Barney (the President's dog).

Happy Chanukah Everyone!!!

2007-12-09T02:27:00.000-08:00

Wow, Jus' Another Example Why Larry Craig's an Albert Cross 'round the Neck o' the Republican Party

2007-12-07T15:26:00.000-08:00

I Ain't Dumber 'an a Chimp

2007-12-05T14:07:00.000-08:00

Accordin' to some kinda Japanese study, Chimp's got smarter memories than humans. There's even some kinda video too.

Smarter memories than people? Well, I say, not mine!

BRING 'EM ON!!!

Hey, Maybe This Li'l Birdy Can Tell Me How To Get Outta Iraq

2007-12-03T17:12:00.001-08:00

Oh, Kelly Pickler, The Epiphany of Wisdom

2007-11-29T12:52:00.000-08:00

When you think 'bout it, Kelly an' I are really very much alike. We have the good sense to surround ourselves with smart thinkin' folk an' rely on their good judgement. There's a word fer that, it's called: good leadership.

Good To Know, But Dang There Go My Retirement Plans

2007-11-27T16:18:00.000-08:00

Note to Self: After leavin' the White House, don't try to go openin' no bank account with a One Million Dollar bill--an' especially don't do it in Georgia.

Oh, an' by the way, if y'all are expectin' me to make some kinda comment 'bout Trent "Not-an-Empty" Lott's retirement, well I'm not gonna.

An' I'm not gonna say anythin' 'bout my former IRS commissioner, Mark "Eveready" Everson, neither.

Well, I'll say this much: Will one a' y'all grab Larry Craig on the way out an' haul him off with y'all?!?

What the Elf?!?

2007-11-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

I know I got problems an' stuff, what with losin' a conservative ally to fickle voters in Aussie land, but I got bigger fish to fry. Some fool has gone an' made an elf out of me:
An' that's not all neither. There's some kinda link where I dance an' stuff.

Update: Heh, heh, it's kinda fun actually. I made elves of Dick an' Condi:

Happy Thanksgivin'!!!

2007-11-22T15:18:00.000-08:00

Here's a Thanksgivin' prayer from some kinda poetry guy named William S. Burroughs.

I don't know what the heck he's sayin', but I sure do like the background music.

WTF, I Wanna Be Chuck Norris Approvified Too

2007-11-20T13:38:00.000-08:00

Why does Huckabee get to be Chuck Norris approvified?!? He's jus' a governer. I'm Presidint.

Sniff, Sniff, a Sad Day . . .

2007-11-19T12:39:00.000-08:00

Mr. Whipple has died.

Boy, that guy cracked me up. Always gettin' on people not to squeeze the toilet paper, but then at the end he always wound up squeezin' it himself. Ha, ha, ha, don't do this, then he goes an' does it. So funny.

Anyway, I gotta get back to the budget an' do some spendin'.

Cheerleadin' Took Courage!

2007-11-16T12:01:00.000-08:00

I know a lotta people poke fun at my cheerleadin' days, but y'all oughta know that cheerleadin' can be downright dangerous.

An' fer me it woulda had to been more dangerous, 'cause I never got to wear no kinda homecomin' crown to protectify my head.

New Media Leader

2007-11-14T12:42:00.000-08:00

Apparently, accordin' to some new study there's some kinda new news outlet that's leadin' all the other news outlets this year, Clam Media. Heard some staffers talkin' 'bout how the numbers fer Clam Media is on the rise an' how it's really spreadin' among young folk under the age of twenny-four.

Heck, I ain't even heard of Clam Media. Maybe it's an internet thing.

Update: Okay, turns out them staffers weren't talkin' 'bout Clam Media--they wuz talkin' 'bout chlamydia. An' turns out chlamydia isn't a media outlet, an it doesn't have anythin' to do with clams either--it's a STD.

Veteran's Day

2007-11-12T08:07:00.000-08:00

Well, betchy'all thought I'd be confused today 'bout Veteran's Day an' think it wuz fer veterinarians or some other such nonsense. Well, hah! I know it's fer honorin' the men an' women who have nobly an' honerably served our country. So there!

Read the memo last night.

Real Science

2007-11-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

Okay, lotsa folks been accusin' me of not supportin' science or not usin' science to informify my choices an decidin' as Presidint. Well, here's a $1.2 million study financed thanks to yers truley, me. So in yer face Al Gore, I got me some real science too.

A Rough Mornin'

2007-11-08T11:24:00.000-08:00

Wow, if it wasn't bad enough that I had my Veto overrode this mornin' by the Senate, but then this Aide comes in posin' me with a problem.

He sez to me, Mr. President, what're we gonna do about this? An expanding dictatorship jailing the opposition and suppressing protesters in an Islamic country known to house terrorist operations, including Al Qaeda. With all this instability, we can't be sure that the terrorists won't get their hands on some nuclear materials. How do we get a handle on this?

I sez to him, Dontcha worry son, before it's all sed an' done, we're gonna invade Iran.

Then he sez to me, Sir, I was talking about Pakistan.

Well, it's a good thing I don't know the meanin' o' the word "embarressing."

From Porn to Honorariums

2007-11-05T07:08:00.000-08:00

I think I mighta gone a li'l blinded from watchin' all that porn this weekend. Man, an' I'm not invitin' Clarence over any more. Left a hair on my soda can, an it din't come from his head neither.

Anyway, today I'm honorin' eight people with the Medal o' Freedom. I'm really excited too, 'cause one of 'em is the writer of "Mockin'bird." Man, I useta love that song when my momma sung it to me. "Hush li'l darlin' don't say a word, Mama's gonna buy you a mockin'bird . . . " Fact, jus' as a secret 'tween you an me, sometimes late at night I ask Laura to sing it to me still. Can't wait to meet the woman who wrote that heavenly song.

Update: Okay, I din't give no medal to the writer of the Mockin'bird song. Turns out I gave a Medal o' Freedom to some gal named Harper Lee who wrote some kinda book called To Kill a Mockin'bird. Sounds familiar. I think I mighta skipped readin' that in college. Anyway, to make matters worse, when I asked her if she'd sing the song anyway, she wouldn't do. Jus' gave me a mean ol' stare an' walked away.

Shocking, Absolutely Shocking!!!

2007-11-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

As a Presidint who not only tolerates diversity, but who sometimes also talks about diversity, I will let my actions speak fer me on this issue by watching as much diverse porn as possible all weekend long. May even invite Clarence Thomas ta come over an' watch it with me. He can bring his collection with him.

Happy Halloween!!!

2007-10-31T11:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, yesterday I wished everyone a Happy Halloween Eve, but Laura sez ta me, "Hey, R-Tard (that's her li'l affectionate name fer me), Halloween stands for All Hallows' Eve, so you can't wish somebody a happy eve of an eve." Okay, my bad, but now I'm here ta wish y'all a Happy Hallows' Eve on the actual eve of the Hallows! So there now it's fixed, jus' like Iraq.

By the way, on a side note, I jus' wanted to announce that we've invaded Iran . . . BOO!!!

Ha, ha, did I scare ya? Jus' my li'l Halloween "trick," but now fer the treat.

I hope ya enjoy the vid. Funny thing though, it's not how I rememberify the Peanuts "Great Pumpkin" special as bein', but I guess my mammary ain't what it useta be.

Happy Halloween Eve!!!

2007-10-30T16:11:00.001-07:00

Happy Halloween Eve everyone! Jus' don't ask me what ol' Barney's doin' with this here pumpkin.

Heckuva Job Harvey, er, Phil, um, Whoever!

2007-10-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

Heck, I really don't understan' what all the fuss is 'bout with Harvey Johnson's fake news conference. People mus' not realize that the "F" in FEMA stands fer fake.

Well, no harm, no foul. That's what I always sez. That an': If you don't know it's propaganda, well, then it's not propaganda. 'Nuff sed.

Life's a Beach

2007-10-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

Don't see as why Senators John "I'm-Nevah-Gonna-Be-President" McCain an' Lindsey "I-Got-A-Girl's-Name" Graham care so much 'bout AG nominee Michael B. Mukasey's views on waterboardin'. Don't see how beach sports got anythin' to do with the job of Attorney General.

Dubya's Personal Blog

Bored

Goat

Retirement Party

Heh, Heh, Years of Secret Dodgeball Training Finally Pays Off . . .

I'm More Popular than Obama

I'm Innicent

Things Change

Elections 2008

Don't Worry!!!

A Li'l Secret

Scintillating!!!

She's Like a Young Me If I Were from Alaska--and If I Were Female.

I Couldn't Have Said Any of It Any Bettor Myself

That's My Gal

Gotta Love that Gal!!!

Whew!!!!

What a Disappointment!

Bird Brained

Why Art Sucks

I'm Votin' fer Paris

Don't See No Problem

Renowned???

Whiny Whiners

4th of July

Bummed

I'll be a Monkey's Uncle . . .

I Coulda Won a Hundred Dollars!!!

Huh?!?

Those Whacky Dems

Wow!

Why We Can't Let the Dems Win!!!

Mixed Bag

Take a Guess . . .

Can You Say, "Anger Management"?

Sweetie?!?

Mississippi--Not My Fault

Big Day

Two Items of Interst

Ingratitude

Top Ten New Hillary Slogans (if I were writin' 'em)

New Study

I Found the Perfect Runnin' Mate fer McCain--Well, Other Than Me, Of Course!

Mistakes Are What Make Me Human

WTF!!!

Ha Ha, I WIN!!!

It Don't Make No Kinda Sense

Dick Cheney Goes "Fishin'"

WEIRD!!!

I'm a Uniter

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Somethin' to Yen Fer

World Gone Wild

Sunday

Huh?!?

I Din't Rub Nuthin'

In Mammary

Where's the Beef?

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!!!

All-In

Um, Okay, I'm on Board -- I Want a Wii!!!

Oh My, I Think Ann's Gone Off Her Nut . . .

Ups an' Downs

Burnin' the Midnight Oil

I Win Again!

Well, Not Accordin' to South Carolina Anyway

Misquoted

Bath Party

Dubya's Middle East Journey, a Nine Day Tour

Epifanny

Happy New Year!

Happy *hic* New Wear!!!

Now Why Can't that Michael Moore Fella Make a Documentary Like This?

Horrible, Jus' Horrible

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve

Man, That's Jus' Funny

Quite Alarmin'

X-mas Woes

A Encouragin' New Poll

Happy hic New Wear!!!