Christmas Eve

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the America
No Republicans was stirring, 'cause they were all in Iowa.

Official pens were hung by the chimney with ink
In hope Congressnal bills would be vetoed in a wink.

Democrats were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Sub-Prime haunted Neo-Con heads;

And Laura in her nightgown, and I in my shorts
We'd jus' settled down for a nap of some sorts,

When down in my throat there rose such a cough
I remembered why pretzels I had totally swore off.

Away to the window I stumbled half assed,
Tore open the shutters, hopin' chokin' would pass.

The moon on the lawn all covered in snow
I thought of my ol' college days of snortin', y'know . . .

When what to my teary eyes should appear,
But a tiny li'l sleigh and a buncha tiny reindeer,

With a chubby, ol' driver, travelin' quickly by air
I wondered why Homeland Security was not yet there.

More rapid than Huckabee's polls his coursers they came
And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now Dasher, now Dancin', Now Prancin' and Vixen!
On Comet, on Cupid, On Dander and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

As stock prices by bad loans thrown all amiss
Out of doors tumbled men of protective service.

They shouted out calls of restricted air space,
Yet still the sleigh headed for my rooftop apace.

The chubby old driver then landed his sled,
And agents protective sought ladders from the shed.

I rushed down the hallway, but then whirled around,
When from the Lincoln Bedroom there came but a sound.

Quite carefully I turned the antique door knob,
Only to find a stern old elf who called me a slob.

He dressed in red and white from top of head to toe,
So I questioned his patriotism, not wearin' blue also.

He grimmaced, then groaned, and wagged his finger,
And I 'gan to wonder how long he would linger,

When suddenly from behind his copious figure,
He brought forth a gift sack makin' my heart quiver.

He pushed aside small boxes, and reached for one quite large,
Which made me think he knew that I was in charge.

With a wink and a smile, he handed over my gift,
Then rose up the chimney without needin' a lift.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a shout,
And away they all flew like the snot from a snout.

Without waiting for Christmas, I tore open the wrapping
Only to find a brain, which a note said I was quite lacking.

And I heard him exclaim, as he sailed off like a duck,
"Happy Christmas to all, and I hope Dubya gets f#$@ed.