It's Kinda Dangerous Out There

Dear readers, let me start off by saying that you can rest assured that your President is safe. So let me 'splain what all happened. I thought I would sneak off the ranch to go on a secret Christmas shopping trip, only to barely escape gregarious harm. I'm so glad to be back at my compound, and can't believe the danger I just evasified not even an hour ago. I even had a full dozen Secret Service agents with me, and they were barely able to hold off the attacking mob. No, it wasn't them protesters--it was them Xbox 360 shoppers. Man, some o' those folks are kinda nuts.