Christmas Eve

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
No Republican was stirring, not even to grouse;

Official pens were hung by the chimney with ink
In hope new Congress bills will be vetoed with a wink.

Democrats were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Iraq haunted Neo-Con heads;

And Laura in her nightgown, and I in my shorts
We'd jus' settled down for a nap of some sorts,

When down in my throat there rose such a cough
I remembered why pretzels I had totally swore off.

Away to the window I stumbled half assed,
Tore open the shutters, hopin' chokin' would pass.

The moon on the lawn all covered in snow
Made me think of my high college days, y'know . . .

When what to my teary eyes should appear,
But a tiny li'l sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,

With a chubby, ol' driver, travelin' quickly by air
I wondered why Homeland Security was not there.

More rapid than F-15 Eagles his coursers they came
And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now Dasher, now Dancer, Now Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet, on Cupid, On Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

As dry leaves by strong winds thrown all amiss
Out of doors tumbled men of protective service.

They shouted out calls of restricted air space,
Yet still the sleigh headed for my rooftop apace.

The chubby old driver then landed his sled,
And agents protective sought ladders from the shed.

I rushed down the hallway, but then whirled around,
When from the Lincoln Bedroom there came but a sound.

Quite carefully I turned the antique door knob,
Only to find a stern old elf with a pipe of corncob.

He dressed in red and white from top of head to toe,
So I questioned his patriotism, not wearin' blue also.

He grimmaced, then groaned, and wagged his finger,
And I 'gan to wonder how long he would linger,

When suddenly from behind his copious figure,
He brought forth a gift sack making my heart aquiver.

He pushed aside small boxes, and reached for one quite large,
Which made me think he knew that I was in charge.

With a wink and a smile, he handed over my gift,
Then rose up the chimney without needing a lift.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

Without waiting for Christmas, I tore open my package
Only to find some coal and smelly ol' cabbage.

And I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of seeing,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to Dub impeachment hearings!"