Oh, Kelly Pickler, The Epiphany of Wisdom

When you think 'bout it, Kelly an' I are really very much alike. We have the good sense to surround ourselves with smart thinkin' folk an' rely on their good judgement. There's a word fer that, it's called: good leadership.

Good To Know, But Dang There Go My Retirement Plans

Note to Self: After leavin' the White House, don't try to go openin' no bank account with a One Million Dollar bill--an' especially don't do it in Georgia.


Oh, an' by the way, if y'all are expectin' me to make some kinda comment 'bout Trent "Not-an-Empty" Lott's retirement, well I'm not gonna.

An' I'm not gonna say anythin' 'bout my former IRS commissioner, Mark "Eveready" Everson, neither.

Well, I'll say this much: Will one a' y'all grab Larry Craig on the way out an' haul him off with y'all?!?

What the Elf?!?

I know I got problems an' stuff, what with losin' a conservative ally to fickle voters in Aussie land, but I got bigger fish to fry. Some fool has gone an' made an elf out of me:
An' that's not all neither. There's some kinda link where I dance an' stuff.

Update: Heh, heh, it's kinda fun actually. I made elves of Dick an' Condi:

Happy Thanksgivin'!!!

Here's a Thanksgivin' prayer from some kinda poetry guy named William S. Burroughs.



I don't know what the heck he's sayin', but I sure do like the background music.

WTF, I Wanna Be Chuck Norris Approvified Too

Why does Huckabee get to be Chuck Norris approvified?!? He's jus' a governer. I'm Presidint.

Sniff, Sniff, a Sad Day . . .

Mr. Whipple has died.

Boy, that guy cracked me up. Always gettin' on people not to squeeze the toilet paper, but then at the end he always wound up squeezin' it himself. Ha, ha, ha, don't do this, then he goes an' does it. So funny.

Anyway, I gotta get back to the budget an' do some spendin'.

Cheerleadin' Took Courage!

I know a lotta people poke fun at my cheerleadin' days, but y'all oughta know that cheerleadin' can be downright dangerous.



An' fer me it woulda had to been more dangerous, 'cause I never got to wear no kinda homecomin' crown to protectify my head.

New Media Leader

Apparently, accordin' to some new study there's some kinda new news outlet that's leadin' all the other news outlets this year, Clam Media. Heard some staffers talkin' 'bout how the numbers fer Clam Media is on the rise an' how it's really spreadin' among young folk under the age of twenny-four.

Heck, I ain't even heard of Clam Media. Maybe it's an internet thing.


Update: Okay, turns out them staffers weren't talkin' 'bout Clam Media--they wuz talkin' 'bout chlamydia. An' turns out chlamydia isn't a media outlet, an it doesn't have anythin' to do with clams either--it's a STD.

Veteran's Day

Well, betchy'all thought I'd be confused today 'bout Veteran's Day an' think it wuz fer veterinarians or some other such nonsense. Well, hah! I know it's fer honorin' the men an' women who have nobly an' honerably served our country. So there!

Read the memo last night.

Real Science

Okay, lotsa folks been accusin' me of not supportin' science or not usin' science to informify my choices an decidin' as Presidint. Well, here's a $1.2 million study financed thanks to yers truley, me. So in yer face Al Gore, I got me some real science too.

A Rough Mornin'

Wow, if it wasn't bad enough that I had my Veto overrode this mornin' by the Senate, but then this Aide comes in posin' me with a problem.

He sez to me, Mr. President, what're we gonna do about this? An expanding dictatorship jailing the opposition and suppressing protesters in an Islamic country known to house terrorist operations, including Al Qaeda. With all this instability, we can't be sure that the terrorists won't get their hands on some nuclear materials. How do we get a handle on this?

I sez to him, Dontcha worry son, before it's all sed an' done, we're gonna invade Iran.

Then he sez to me, Sir, I was talking about Pakistan.

Well, it's a good thing I don't know the meanin' o' the word "embarressing."

From Porn to Honorariums

I think I mighta gone a li'l blinded from watchin' all that porn this weekend. Man, an' I'm not invitin' Clarence over any more. Left a hair on my soda can, an it din't come from his head neither.

Anyway, today I'm honorin' eight people with the Medal o' Freedom. I'm really excited too, 'cause one of 'em is the writer of "Mockin'bird." Man, I useta love that song when my momma sung it to me. "Hush li'l darlin' don't say a word, Mama's gonna buy you a mockin'bird . . . " Fact, jus' as a secret 'tween you an me, sometimes late at night I ask Laura to sing it to me still. Can't wait to meet the woman who wrote that heavenly song.


Update: Okay, I din't give no medal to the writer of the Mockin'bird song. Turns out I gave a Medal o' Freedom to some gal named Harper Lee who wrote some kinda book called To Kill a Mockin'bird. Sounds familiar. I think I mighta skipped readin' that in college. Anyway, to make matters worse, when I asked her if she'd sing the song anyway, she wouldn't do. Jus' gave me a mean ol' stare an' walked away.

Shocking, Absolutely Shocking!!!

As a Presidint who not only tolerates diversity, but who sometimes also talks about diversity, I will let my actions speak fer me on this issue by watching as much diverse porn as possible all weekend long. May even invite Clarence Thomas ta come over an' watch it with me. He can bring his collection with him.