I Feel so Betrayed

I can't believe Colin Powell is criticizin' me an' my choices. Where does he get off criticizin' his own boss? It's bad enough we hafta worry 'bout the Dems an' the terrorists, but ta have criticizin' comin' from within my administration is jus' intolerable. I won't put up with it. I will not tolerate dissent.

Update: Oh yeah, I fergot. Powell doesn't work for us anymore. Well, it's still bad form. From now on, I'm tappin' his phone.

Woof!!!

Man, I don't know what all this talk 'bout poodles is. Sure, me an Musharraf have a politanical relationship, but I aint never asked him to pretend bein' like no poodle. I aint inta nothin' like that. Poodles, no siree!

But if yer talkin' 'bout koalas, I hafta say I got no comment on that.

Always Thinkin'

I didn't get ta be Presidint by bein' stupid--nope, I got here in spite a bein' stupid. Wait a minite, that didn't come out right . . .

Anyway, I jus' see'd opportunity by the tale once again. Here we are in a gas an' energy crisis, an' I parlayed it inta reducin' protections fer the environment. I'm sure that'll get my approvement polls back above 32%.

So I might be stupid, but I sure as heck aint dumb. Well, dang it, that didn't come out right neither . . .

I'm So Confused

Gun's is fer shootin', right? So why would anyone in their right mind do anything like turnin' a gun inta a guitar? I jus' don't understand . . .

I can only hope that he didn't turn any bullits inta guitar picks, or some such nonsense.

One More Time:

I'm the decider!

Heh, jus' wanted ta say that again.

OIL

Wow, oil prices is over $72 a barrel. Me an' Uncle Dick are gonna be whoopin' it up tonight . . . , um, I mean we're gonna be working hard tonight to figure out how to help the American consumer durin' these tryin' times. Yeah, that's what I meant.

A Guy Can Only Take So Much . . .

Okay everyone, enough is enough. I know the media an' the generals an' the Dems is all enjoyin' tryin' ta take down Rummy, but a guy can only take so much an' I'm here ta say I can't take it no more. I don't wanna hafta run inta Rummy cryin' in the halls no more. I jus' can't take the sight of him all teary eyed an' such--it kinda skeeves me out, so quit it, okay?

Happy Easter!!!

Happy Easter, everyone!

As my car pulled outta the gates this morning the American public expressed their love fer me by givin' me more easter eggs than I could handle. What a wonderful way to start a glorious day. Ta have my adorin' public tossin' easter eggs fer my appreciation an' consumption. So many beautiful eggs, but most all of 'em were raw so they kinda splattered across my car, an' none of 'em were dyed any color other than chalk white--so remember folks, ya gotta boil 'em an' color 'em pretty like before ya give 'em as gifts.

Still, much thanks to all. I knew y'all loved me.

More on the Negative Media

Y'know, I've been thinkin' sum more 'bout my post yesterday on all the negative media. As far as I'm concerned it's criminal, jus' criminal, the way all that negativity skews the facts.

Fer example, take the war in Iraq. Yesterday, this article jus' comes out an' reports how on April 12th four more U.S. troops died in Iraq, which brings the total in April to 35 U.S. troop deaths. The article points out that this is more than died in all of March, but really they is jus' bein' negative an misrepresentin' the truth of the situation.

Y'see, we have 'bout 133,000 U.S. troops in Iraq. So that means that in each day in April, over 132,000 of those troops did not die, but ya don't see that reported anywhere, do ya?. An' ya don't see it tallied up none either. I mean, if each day, over 132,000 troops don't die, an' that's 12 days--let's see, twelve times one hundred an' thirty-two thousand . . . let me get my calculator.

. . . Well, that means that so far in the month of April over 1,584,000 U.S. troops did not die in Iraq. That's over a million an' a half troops that're alive an' healthy. An' if that holds up all through April, that'll mean approximately four million troops will still be alive.

Wow, four million troops . . . but wait a minute, I don't get it, why does the generals keep sayin' they have a recruitin' problem? Seems like we're gettin' more guys every day.

Gosh Darn Negative Media

Now here's what I'm talkin' 'bout, negative media. Some dang story 'bout how we're gonna lose 25% of all animal and plant species by the year 2050. Why can't the media focus on the positive things? For instance, why can't they report that fifty years from now we're gonna maintain an' keep 75% of all species we have today. That's a big number. 75%. Huge. And we're still gonna have all 75% fifty years from now.

Not only that, but some of those animals and plants we're gonna lose is ugly stuff anyway. Like there's a link in the article 'bout how frogs is disappearin'. Now, how many guys ever give a frog to their girlfriends or their wives? None of 'em. Heck, even in the fairy tale, the only reason ya kiss a frog is ta get a prince.

Now flowers, them is pretty, an' we're gonna try ta keep those. Roses? We'll keep 100% of those, might even breed some new ones. Tulips? We'll keep 100% of 'em, an' don't be surprised if ya see some new colors, too. Magnolias? Yup, we're keepin' all of 'em, an' probably addin' some new varieties as well. So not only is we keepin' all the pretty stuff, but in some cases we're creatin' new pretty stuff. In the long run, we're not losin' 25%--no, we're gettin' a new an' improved 25%.

Think 'bout it. It's like them green carnations you can buy on St. Patrick's Day, with the food colorin' in 'em. Right there, that's a new species--I officially dub it "Foodus Coloredius Dianthus Caryophyllus"--an' it's pretty ta boot.

Kickin' an' Screamin'

Man, I don't know what all that kickin' an' screamin' was 'bout yesterday, but it kinda gave me flashbacks ta college an' my cheerleadin' days. Man, good times, good times.

Leak?

I was takin' a walk down th' hall, when someone came up ta me an' asked me somethin' 'bout whether I leaked or somethin', so I shoved 'em an' said it's none a' yer business whether I took a damn leak or not. What th' heck is up wi' that?!?


Update: Okay, it turns out they was askin' 'bout th' Libby case. I thought that whole thing went away. I gotta talk wi' Uncle Dick.

Oh My Gawd!!!

I can't believe it . . . rumors have it that Tom DeLay won't be seeking re-election and even means ta resign. Why that lily-livered, no good quitter. Ain't there no neo-cons with a backbone anymore. First super lobbyist Abramoff cops a plea, and now Tom's runnin' fer the hills. Who knows what'll be happinin' next, I mean . . .

Hey, wait a minute . . . I bet I know what this is. This is one o' them April Foolsy jokes.

That's what it is. I bet Tommy an' his buddies started this rumor two day's ago on April 1st an' it's taken two days ta travel my way. Well, ya almost got me, Tom. Hah, but I'm on ta youse guys. Ya can't get nuthin' past G-Dubya. Like my Daddy always says, I have a mind like sieve.

. . . hey, what is a sieve, anyways?