Exactly the Same and Different

I would like to expoundificate and make clear my positions from my speech today to U.S. Military Academy graduates. We must understand the imperils we face against the terrorists. Those imperils are the same as the imperils of the cold war that faced Harry S. Truman, because America has never experienced anything like terrorists and weapons of mass desctruction. So ya see, it's the same because it's different. Jus' wanted to clarify is all.

I Ain't been Foolin' with No Chimps

Okay, I am jus' flabbergasted. Remember how last week I talked 'bout how scientists were suggestin' some kinda historical inter-breedin' goin' on between humans an' chimps? Well, now get this: accordin' to some new scientifical study, humans got HIV from chimps.

All I can say is that it gives new meanin' to the title Bedtime fer Bonzo.

Gore, Again?!?!?

What's with all the talk 'bout Al Gore? He lost. L-O-S-T! Why's he gettin' all the good publicity? Why's he gettin' all the big time media buzz? I wanna get the buzz.

Actually, what I wanna do is get bu . . . hey, I gotta go take care of somethin'. Real important stuff. Seeya later.

Sad Day

I have sad news to report.

As of today, Boo Boo the chicken has passed into the great unknown. Resuscitated by mouth to beak jus' three months ago, this scrappy li'l chicken has finally departed our troubled world. I'm sure Americans everywhere will miss the pluck and courage of Boo Boo.

Oh yeah, that and 2,460 U.S. soldiers have died in Iraq.

Don't Let the Terrorists Win

Here I is tryin' to fight a war on terror, an' along comes Amnesty International makin' some kinda pronouncification 'bout how fightin' terrorism is costin' human rights. Well, it sounds to me like they jus' want the terrorists to win. What kinda world d'ya wanna live in anyways? One where you have rights an' dignity an' fairness or one where we get to go out an' kick butt? Seems pretty oblivious to me.

Well I'll be a Monkey's Uncle . . .

Some crazy kinda news story says that peoples an' monkeys mighta done somethin' kinda naughty way back when. It jus' 'bout made me spit up my afternoon be . . . , er, um, coffee. Anyway, not sure what ta make of it all. It kinda makes my head hurt, like back when I was in college an' I would go ta one of them classes they kept tryin' ta get me to attend. What's up with that anyway, I thought college was fer drinkin' be . . . , er, um, coffee. Yeah, that college was fer drinkin' coffee. An' who came up this this DNA stuff, anyway? DNA, RNA, IRA, VCR, it's all jus' a bunch of silly letters if ya asks me.

Ups and Downs

When I got up this mornin' I was pretty happy. An aide told me that my approvement polls had broken the 30% mark, so I told myself, "Well, self, there ya go, it might not be that high, but at least it's headin' in the right direction."

Apparently I was talkin' ta myself out loud again, so the aide looks at me funny an' says, "Um, sir, the polls fell below 30% for the first time--and my name's not Self, it's Steve."

After that, the day was all down hill.

Holy Highland Mangabeys!!!

Now scientists have discovered an entirely new genius of monkeys . . .

Wow, these scientist guys are good at findin' stuff. I think I'm gonna get these guys and them cricket guys together an' have them search fer the terrorists.

I tried tellin' Uncle Dick an' Rummy maybe we should have a science guy head up the CIA, but they jus' laughed at me, muttered somethin' 'bout me becomin' a Darwinian, an' then they walked away. I don't get it, what's Darwin got to do with science? I thought he was the guy who's against intelligent design.

Now That's What I Call Explorin' Caves . . .

I jus' seen somethin' 'bout how a buncha scientists discovered a new genius of crickets in some caves in Arizona. When you think 'bout it, it's pretty darn amazin'. Those caves have been there fer centuries, an' those crickets been runnin' around under everybody's noses, and then along comes these scientists an' they go an' find somethin' no one else ever did. Shoot, now those are some kinda persistent scientists.

Hey, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Maybe we should hire those scientists ta search fer Osama . . .

Ouch! Now That's News!

All kinds of news goin' on today. Peter Goss resigns as CIA Directer. A Kennedy enters rehab. But by far the biggest news item is this scientifical study. Apparently, some kinda new research shows that anticipatin' pain causes people to experience pain. Man, that 'splains why my head hurts so much. I keep anticipatin' the next approvement polls on my Presidincy.

Phone Records fer Sale???

Why would anyone in their right mind try to sell phone records? Heck, I get that stuff fer free.

Inspirational

First I watched Walkout on cable, an' now I'm witnessin' a real life walkout in America. Thousands an' thousands of people. An' I've gotta say, what with the economical impact an' all, that it's all become an inspirational an' eye-openin' experience fer me. 'Cause now I've got myself an idea on how I can make things better fer everyone.

How 'bout anytime anyone wants ta protest somethin' we charge a tax on it? We can have a "picket sign tax" an' a "street usage tax." That way only liberals an' progressives would hafta pay taxes.

There'll be loopholes, of course, fer pro-lifers an' such.


Update: Shoot, my legal advisor tells me we couldn't do it--that the Supreme Court would overturn such laws on account of free speech. Dang it, so why the heck did I bother puttin' Roberts an' Alito on the court fer? Who's gonna protect me an' my rights ta limit free speech? That's what I wanna know.