Brilliant!!!

Man, them Brits is jus' brilliant. Check it out, Tony Blair an' company may have been runnin' a cash-fer-honors scheme. Shoot, here in the U.S. we give out honors so that we don't have to pay out cash, but them Brits figured out you could get other people to pay good money fer the kinda stuff we give away fer free. Now why didn't we think a that?

Update: Oh yeah, I forgot. We went with the lobbyist system.

Harry Potter's Gone to Pot

Okay, now there ya have it. That's why if my kids wuz still kids I wouldn't let them watch none a that Harry Potter witchcraft stuff. No values, an' evidently no clothes neither.

Fact of the matter is, though, my Jenna an' Barbara is all growed up an' mature like an' don't even need no more guidance--why, jus' this mornin' they even tol' me they're gonna fly ta London ta see some classy theater piece by the title of Equus.

Okay, I Hate Polls

Oh my God!!! My approval ratings is lower than Dad's ever was.

Crummy polls.

Decision-Maker

Yes, America, you heard me. I said it. I'm the Decision-Maker on Iraq.

I know the distinction is subtle, but this is different from when I sed I'm the Decider back in April of '06.

Back then, I was talkin' 'bout Donald Rumseld. Now I'm talkin' 'bout Iraq.

See the difference?

Now I'm Fired Up!

Okay, if that don't beat all, there goes the liberal media editin' and taylorin' things to suit their porpoises an' the porpoises of the bleedin' heart Democratic establishmint.

I go an' give the performance of my Presidency, an' they go an' they don't even show the best part: Me an Nancy arm wrestlin'--an' let me tell ya, even though she wuz usin' both arms, I still won.

State of the Union

Oh my gosh!

I can hardly eat my lunch. I gotta finish my speech fer tomorrow. Man, people are gonna expect me ta say somethin' 'bout Iraq. And those whacky environmentalists is pressin' on me ta say somethin' 'bout climate change an' pollution. A guy can hardly eat his lunch.

Hey, check this out. It's the State of the Onion:

A Girl After My Own Heart

Ah, Lindsay Lohan, where wuz you when I wuz younger.

Even now I feel like yer kin to me, like you could be one of my own daughters. They're such angels.

5-Day Work Week

I read online where Dems in congress is callin' fer a 5-day work week. I don't understan'. What the heck is that?

A Brilliant Plan

The Dems are all in arms 'bout my new plan fer Iraq . . . , well, some 'Publicans too, like Chuck Hagel . . . , an' I guess the majority of Americans if you can b'lieve the polls--but who b'lieves polls?

Anyway, what nobody realizes is that I have a brilliant plan. An' I'm gonna share it with you, my loyal readers.

Once we get our 21,000 additional troops over there, most of 'em'll be situated in Baghdad. That'll cause a testicular shift--um, I mean tactical shift that the insurgents'll have to respond to strategically by regroupin'. An' that means that things'll get quiet fer a while. When that happens, I'm gonna declare victory an' haul ass outta there. Then, if things get all hairy an' Iraq goes ta shit after we're gone, it'll be the Iraqi's fault. See, it's a win-win.

But shhhhhh . . . , don't tell anybody. It's a secret.

More is Less

Well there ya have it, America. If ya didn't get it from my speech last night, that's my new slogan. So if ya still have troubles understandin' my justifornications fer sendin' more troops ta Iraq, all ya need to know is those three li'l words: more is less.

It's jus' basic math really: we need to put more troops into Iraq in order ta have less troops in Iraq.

Get it now? See, it's simple.

Goin in with Both Feet

Well, here it comes America, I'm about to speechify my new plan fer Iraq. My new an' improved plan to win the war on terror. It might break my heart, but I'm goin' in with both feet--all 21,000 of 'em.

I think Regina Spektor understan's my meanin'.



See what I mean?

I Won't be Plutoed

Accordin' to the word smiths, ta get Plutoed is ta get demoted or devalued. Well, gosh darn it. I think the Dems is tryin' ta Pluto me.

I don't really understand where that meanin' of Plutoed comes from. I mean, he was a good dog an' all.

Okay, Dawn of the Dead This Aint

Well, so we goofed. The Army's been sendin' letters out to the families of dead soldiers askin' 'em to re-enlist.

Shoot, that's the last time I ask George Romero to put together a list of able bodies.

Update

Oh man, I wasn't dreamin' las' nite. It's fer real.

Whoa What a Nightmare!?!

OHMAHGAWD!!!

I'm so groggy, but I jus' had the most awfulest dream ever and I jus' had to rite 'bout it.

I dreamt that the Dems wuz takin' control of the House an' Senate today.

Whew, I'm sure glad to wake up outta that one.

Can't wait for mornin'. I'm sure things'll look a whole lot better in the light of day.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Happy New Year, everybody! Wow, and what a year it's been. I brought Saddam to justice jus' like I said I would after 9-11. I brought Robert Gates in as Secretary of Defence, jus' like I always wanted to. Uncle Dick didn't shoot anymore people. An' even though the Republican Party lost the House an' the Senate in the las' elections, I held off all challengers in 2006 an' made sure that the White House stayed in Republican hands. Heck, I don't even remember who my Democratic challenger was in the 06 'lections.

I jus' wish there was some way to mark the past year's accomplishments, y'know like a way to quantify it with numbers. Like in baseball--hey, I was in baseball . . . well, anyway, in baseball it's special when a batter finally gets his 3000th hit fer his career. Y'know, it defines 'em. If only there were a parallel.