My Speechalist

If y'all get a chance, check out the web-documentary coverin' the behin' the scenes workin's of a consultant I fondly refer to as The Skinny Karl: Harlan McCraney. As far as I'm concerned, the man is a bonafido watchamacallit, genie. Uh, no, I think I mean genius. Y'know, the guy who comes outta the lamp. No, wait, now I'm confused.

A Cryin' Shame

I can't believe that Congressman Randy Cunningham is goin' to jail for 'ceptin' bribes. It's jus' a cryin' shame. An' in so many ways, jus' so, so unnecesary. If only he'd a' followed my platinum rule in matters of ethics: Don't never admit you done nuthin' wrong!

Brownie's Back on His Feet

Well, I'm glad to make public that my ol' frien' Michael Brown is startin' up his own consultin' business on disaster preparedness.

I bet Brownie''ll do a heck of a job.

It's Kinda Dangerous Out There

Dear readers, let me start off by saying that you can rest assured that your President is safe. So let me 'splain what all happened. I thought I would sneak off the ranch to go on a secret Christmas shopping trip, only to barely escape gregarious harm. I'm so glad to be back at my compound, and can't believe the danger I just evasified not even an hour ago. I even had a full dozen Secret Service agents with me, and they were barely able to hold off the attacking mob. No, it wasn't them protesters--it was them Xbox 360 shoppers. Man, some o' those folks are kinda nuts.

Protectin' Y'all Even on Thanksgivin'

So there I am, sittin' down, waitin' fer the Dallas-Denver game to start, lookin' forward ta my Thanksgivin' turkey, when I hear some news types talkin' on the television 'bout how there's some kinda drug, tryptowatchamacallit . . . um . . . um . . . phan! Tryptophan, that's it!

So, they's talkin' 'bout how there's tryptophan in the turkey, an' how it's even in the free range birds like the one Chef is cookin' up fer me an' my family. So I call Dick, an' ask him if we should raise the terror alert 'cause a the contamination o' the food supply, an' he jus' says, What contamination?

So I says, Well, haven't ya heard 'bout that Vietnamese drug in the turkeys.

An' he says, Vietnam?!?

An' I says, Y'know the tryptophan, 'cause phan is like Vietnamese, right?

An' he jus' hangs up on me. Not a word.

Anyway, so don't anyone worry, I'm on top of things an' I'll be investigatin'. In the meantime, I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Thanksgivin'!

A Poem

Hey, guess what, I done wrote a poem. Check it out.

'Twas the night 'fore Thanksgivin'
With turkey in roaster
Not a creature wuz stirrin'
Not even a protestor.

Cuz I had 'em all arrested.
After talkin' freedom in Asia . . .
Da, da, da, da, da, da -ested (Dang, what rhymes with arrested?)
Da, da, da, da, da, da -sia (Dang, what rhymes with Asia?)

Okay, it's almos' a poem. Give me credit for somethin'. I rhymed those "-ing" words, didn't I? And they's ain't easy. How many "-ing" words dya think there are? Plus, hey, I know what a poem is. Bet you didn't think I knew that, didya? Well, I read Hallmark, so there.

Outrageous

I am outraged. Jus' outraged!!! CNN sez they had some kinda techno glitch an' a big ol' "X" flashes over Dick's face as he wuz givin' a speech yesterday. That's jus' not right.

(An' now that I've taken an official position on th' matter, I gotta say, I'm gonna tape that pic to the back a' my chair in the Oval Office.)

The Great Wall

Before leavin' China, I almos' made some kinda mistake. I was wantin' to race my bike on the Great Wall o' China, when a buncha Chinese officials objected and said I shouldn't. When I asked why, they said it'd be no different than ridin' up and down the steps o' the Lincoln Memorial.

Well, since they put it that way, I tol' them I woudn't do it. 'Cause, let me tell you from experience, ridin' the steps o' the Lincoln Memorial's jus' not as much fun as you'd think it.

Let's Talk Turkey 'bout Torture

Here I am tryin' to talk with the Chinese 'bout human rights, and the U.S. Senate back home is passin' laws against the use of torture.

Don't nobody see the contradiction here? This is why the discovery of a secret torture center in Baghdad is really no mystery. If we make torture illegal, then only criminals will engage in torture.

Instead, we need to keep torture legal so that my Administration can lead the way in showin' the world the ethical and responsible uses of torture. That way we can reduce the unneeded suffering borne by people who are tortured, like those recently tortured in Baghdad, without American interests being directly involved.

So give me the authority to torture, and I will make the world a more humane place by setting higher standards for conducting torture. Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses, and I will abuse far fewer than would have been abused wherever they's runnin' from.

In China

Well, here I am in China. I keep askin' people where I can find some authentified Chinese Teriyaki Beef, and people just keep starin' at me funny. In fact, an Aide jus' tol' me that I crack him up. But I don't get it. What's the joke?

Hey, Don't Go Stealin' My Thunder

Boy, it's hard to keep things in order at home when I'm out here in Korea.

Hugo Chavez is makin' all kindsa noise about how me an' America are against him, so Thomas Shannon, my assistant secretary of state for Western Hemisphere affairs, goes an' says that Chavez's strategy is based on confrontation to fuel the nationalist passions of his key support base, and that "in order to sustain it over time it requires an ever- increasing search for enemies."

It's good of ol' Tommy boy to come to my defense an' all, but he left out the most important part: Chavez shouldn't be doin' any of that stuff 'cause that's my strategy. So back off, man!

The Fury a' the Almighty

I hear Pat Robertson's been talkin' 'bout how those evolutionarians in Pennsylvania done poked God in the eye and how they maybe might wanna consider themselves warned about God's fury an' expectin' no mercy should somethin' befall their region.

Well, that's somethin' to think on. I mean, God's been whippin' up some awful storms as of late--in fact, pretty much over the las' five years or so. I oughta know, I remember 'em all since they been stirrin' up ever since I come into office. Huh, how 'bout that? Anyway, some mighty powerful stuff them storms an' all, so beware the Lord's wrath. Pay attention.

I hafta say, though, He's got some kinda bad aim or somthin'. Not to criticize the Big "G" or anythin', but why else would He keep hittin' the red states when I'm sure He's really been meanin' to aim for the blue ones?

My Day in Japan

My Fellow Americans,

Rest assured that America is well-respected and well-loved the world around. As proof of this, your President is being well received in Japan. In fact, everywhere I go, people bestow upon me beautiful Asian artwork. They throw it from the windows and from the streets as my motorcade passes by.

Sincerely,
Dubya

China Here I Come!

Well folks, I'm ofta China. And first thing I get there I'm there I'm gonna have me some of that authentified Dim Sum. Man, I love those li'l Dim Sum dumplin's. Hey, I wonder how you say that in Chinese.

What's the Big Debate 'bout Misleadin'?

I don't understan' all this debate about whether or not I misled the country in relation to invadin' Iraq. I didin't mislead us anywhere. Into Iraq is exactly where I intended to lead us.

An' if I had to fudge some intelligence data to lead us here, well, that should show how much I was involved in intentional leadin' and not in misleadin'.

Case closed.

Whoooeeeee!!!!

Hallelujah, I believe I'm back.

Today I gave a speech in front of some kinda military depot do-hickey, with "Hail to the Chief" blarin' in the background, then later on Air Force One an Aide tells me I is battin' 370 in the latest popularity poll.

Eat that you liberals, I'm battin' 370. Heck, that's superstar status!


Update: Okay, I jus' found out that battin' 370 means 37%. Shoot, no wonder I didn't understan' stuff back when I was a partner in Major League Baseball.

A Karl Sightin'???

An Aide jus' told me that Karl was spotted out from his hidin' hole tonite givin' a speech over at a federalism society meetin' or somethin'. All I got a' hold of is this blurry photo, but I think it's him.

Some secretary said somethin' 'bout how maybe there'll be six extra weeks a' winter if he sees his shadow. What the heck is that s'posed to mean?

Now That's Jus' Funny

Boy, I had a good laugh today, I tell you what. Those damn Hollywood actors an' actresses--always meddlin' in politics an' stuff they got no knowin' about. Well, that Arnie Schwarzenegger feller, he done lost all four a' those ballot measures he tried to push onto the voters. Man, jus' about brought tears to my eyes. Sooo funny!!! Kinda makes up for us losin' those two Governorships to the Dems.

In yer face Hollywood! Ha, ha, ha!!!


Update: Dammit, I jus' remembered Arnie's a Republican. That's not funny.

A Disappointin' Election

I can't believe it. The Dems won both Governor's races in today's elections. What's wrong wi' the American peoples? Don't they know that it's the Republicans that win the elections in this here country? I thought we done establishized that in 2004.

Man, where's Karl? He's gotta 'splain to me what's goin' on.

What's Wrong with My Intelligence?

I don't understan' why people wanna examine my pre-war intelligence. I'm jus' as intelligent now as I was then, so why can't we jus' focus on the here an' now? I mean, why would my I.Q. be any different then from what it is now? An' besides, I gradueted from Yale, so my academic credibles are beyond refute.

Hey, I'm Tryin' to Promote Democracy Here!!!

Here I am, tryin' to promote democracy an' freedom in Latin America, an' meanwhile back home people are being jus' 'bout traitorous an' downright un-American.

First of all, Republican Senator Chuck "The Hammer" Hagel comes out against my position that the CIA should be allowed to torture people to get information. What is up with that? All Republicans should jus' get in line an' back my play, and if Dick or I say anybody needs some torturin', well, then we should know--afterall, we're in charge, aren't we?.

Then, Democrats like Senator Joseph "Bidin' His Time" Biden criticize an FBI plan under the Patirot Act to access ordinary citizens' private phone and financial information. Man, I wish those Dems would jus' go away. Why do we need another party anyway?

Finally, according to an AP/Ipsos poll, public support for Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court is weak. Only 38% back him as a nominee. Who does the American public think they are? Americans should jus' get wi' the program already. An' if they' don't get wi' the program, they shouldn't be surprised if the FBI wants to access personal phone and financial data. An' what the heck does "Ipsos" stand for anyway?!?

Anyway, how can I be expected to promote democracy an' representative govermint if people keep havin' their own ideas an' disagreein' with me? Now think 'bout it.

One Li'l "s"

Okay, leaving the summit today, I just found out that it wasn't the Summit of the America, but the Summit of the Americas--y'know, as in plural, wi' that li'l "s" at the end. Dammit all, I thought it was just about how everyone should pay attention to us in the U.S.--y'know, the America.

As it turns out, it's focus was on the relations between South American countries, Central American countries, and North American countries. Even then, I said well, we're the only North American country, and someone said what about Canada. So I says, oh yeah, Canada.

Well dang, that li'l "s" makes a big difference. Wish I had noticed that before I got here.

Don't Cry for Me Argentinites

It's jus' wonderful to be in Argentina for th' summit. Everyone loves me and my vision of what the U.S. of A. will bring to the global world community.

The Argentinites wear ski masks to show their love for U.S. skiing, and they light bonfires in celebration of U.S. beach parties. A coupla very excited gents even threw bottles of coke at my motorcade to show their love of U.S. soft drinks. They just love our soda.

Best of all, fireworks are sounded regularly in my honor. They're not very pretty, though, just kinda smoky--in fact, mostly smoke, and they jus' kinda bounce on the street, sometimes into crowds of people. But they're very official fireworks--only launched by state police standing behind clear plastic--y'know, like the kind our riot police use . . .

Um, . . . wait a minute . . .

Not Out of Touch

Jus' when I thought I had put all that Katrina 'n FEMA stuff behind me, out come e-mails from Brownie from his final weeks at FEMA. When he and the agency shoulda been focusin' on the emergency at hand, he was talkin' about fashion an' dog sittin'. Didn't even respond to urgent e-mails.

Dang it!

Makes him look outa touch, which makes me look outa touch for puttin' him in charge. But I'm not out of touch. Really. Just give me a chance, an' I will touch you.

Okay, that didn't come out right.

What the Heck!?!

What is goin' on? I didn't know nothin' about Sammy Alito havin' liberal friends. I'm beginnin' to think I been punk'd or somethin'. Half expectin' that Ashton Kutcher feller to pop out any minute now.

Seems Like Back Stabbin'

I'm pretty much P.O.'d at a coupla fella conservatives. Both Trent "The Trenchcoat" Lott and Billy "The Canon" Niskanen have gone an' publicly questioned what kind of a role Karl should be playin' in my White House. Trent's callin' for "new blood," and Billy's sayin' any shake up should begin with Karl.

Now, we're all conservatives, and let's not forget that Scooter's new nickname's soon to be "The Goat." So can't we all jus' get along. Hey, that sounds familiar. Is that like a song or somethin'?

What's Goin' On???

I just found out that the Dems have forced the Senate into a secret meeting over Iraq.

I thought that Dick and me were the only ones who could hold secret meetings. What gives?