Pretty Funny Stuff

I just heard some intern mentionin' how someone learned somethin' about Pluto doin' three moons. Now that's just funny. I couldn't help but stand there and snicker. The intern jus' kinda looked at me odd-like, but I really could not help myself, 'cause, man, sounds like Disney's gettin' a little randy there.


Update: Okay, as it turns out, he was talkin' about the planet. It has three moons. Well, that's not funny.

Happy Halloween

Samuel Alito! Now, there's a trick and a treat all rolled into one.

Man, I love this job. It's all about Karl and Dick findin' ways for me to stick it to those silly liberals and pull off favors for my loyal conservatives!

Well, you know, that and--um--servin' the, uh, what do ya call 'em, the, um . . . well, y'know who I mean. Servin' them other folk.


Update: The voters, that's it. So, y'know, servin' the American people, cause it was like in my vowin' in or somethin'.

Integrity and Honor

When I campaigned for this Office in 2000, I had vowed to restore integrity and honor to a White House that I felt had been tainted by the Clinton years. But ever since the lyin' about WMDs, the torture memo in relation to Abu Ghraib, the investigation into the leaking of a CIA agent's identity, the nominatin' of an old friend for a Supreme Court seat, and especially since the indictment and resignation of Libby, the press and the public has been scrutinizin' the integrity, honor, and ethical conduct of my White House. Well, I'm here to clarify what I mean by those words. Basically, what I meant by integrity and honor is that there would be no oral sex, no abuse of cigars, and no abuse of dresses. As far as I'm concerned, everythin' else is just fair game.

An Important Selection

Taking this retreat at Camp David has allowed me to focus and devote all seriousness to the important selection I hope to make this weekend. I want everyone to know that I've learned from past mis-steps, and that I am aware that makin' a selection of such gravity will involve all of my talents and mental acumints.

I will, of course, be in communication with my political base, and listen to their inputs. I will listen to Senators, both Republican and (though it pains me to say it) Democratic. But let me be clear: I am an independence thinker and I will settle on the final selection based on crimeria of my own making. So, keeping all of that in mind, including the fact that no final determitation has been made, let me share something privately with you, the readers of my blog--just to get some feedback on a potential selection.

And please keep in mind, I'm still sore about how things went the last time, so here it goes.

I may have found my Halloween costume for Monday:

Alan "Yoda" Greenspan

Check it out, and let me know what you think. And don't forget to click on the link for the ears.

Comic Book

I just saw where Nelson Mandela's got some kinda comic book coming out. What the heck did Mandela ever do? Just sit around in some cell for 27 years.

I'm leader of the God damned free world! Where's my comic book?!?

What a Discovery!

Hey, I just saw a headline sayin' how researchers may have just discovered which genes cause dyslexia.

I wonder if it's Levi's?

Whew!!!

Man, too bad for Scooter, but I'm sure glad Karl's not been indicted yet.

Now I'm off to Camp David for the weekend to get away from all these worries. Don't want to think about hurricanes, Iraq, the Middle East, leak investigation, Supreme Court junk--none of it. Turn back the clock Saturday night, and sleep in Sunday morning.

Gosh, it's good to be President.

Where Would I Be Without Karl?

Well, there it is. Karl won the pool on Harriet's withdrawal. He's so good at calculatin' stuff, and he called it right on the button. Here's his slip: "withdrawal, October 26, evening." I had picked the coming weekend--thought I was bein' smart callin' the whole weekend--plus, with daylight savings time and the extra hour of fallin' back and all, I thought a 49 hour weekend would be a good bet. Dick was fumin'; he had it as the mornin' of Oct. 26.

But no, Harriet comes in and lets me know last night. She looked so disappointed, too; I thought she might cry.

So now that everything's all stirred up and everyone's off balance, especially those Dems--man, they don't know whether to be happy or sad that she withdrew--well, now I can nominate a really conservative candidate. Gosh, Karl sure knows how to draw up a plan. He looks out for me y'know. What would I do without him?

And while I'm thinkin' on that, I have to admit that the leak investigation's got me worried some. Day after day, and no announcements, just more silence. Tomorrow's the big day.

Please, God, don't let Karl get indicted. I don't care what happens to Scooter. Dick's an ol' coot anyway. You can take Scooter from him for all I care. Just keep Karl by my side. He's like a brother to me, only better. 'Cause while Jeb may have given me Florida, it was Karl done give me the Office.

This Supreme Court Confirmation is Confusing

I was jus' lookin' over the letter Arlen sent to Harriet over from the Senate. She shows me everythin' she gets in the way of documents, don't y'know. Doesn't keep a single thing from me. That's why I like her--always lookin' out for me and considerin' how somethin' might affect me. Anyway, he's got this rather bizarre question posted at the end of his laundrylist of inquirements:

"10. What assurances can you give the Senate and the American people that you will be independent, if confirmed, and not give President Bush any special deference on any matter involving him which might come before the court?"

Now what the heck is that all about? I already got my deference outa' the Vietnam War in the form of Guard duty, and that's long since passed. How's that gonna come up before the court? I really don't understand what he's goin' on for in this sorta vein. Plus, as President it's not like I can get drafted into Iraq anyhow, so what will I need with another deference?


Update: Okay, as it turns out, deference and deferment don't mean the same thing. How about that?

Wow It's Late

I can't believe how late it's gotten. Here it is after midnight and I almost didn't even get a chance to make a blog entry. But here I am.

Between all the day's business, what with a luncheon for the wives of military officers and a dinner for important party donors, I've spent the rest of my day searching high and low for Dick. He's nowhere to be found. I looked everywhere, even in the cupboards of the kitchen. He's just kinda disappeared. What could he be hiding from?

Also everyone keeps mumbling something about 2000. All day long, I keep hearing that it's now 2000. What is it with people? I keep telling them it's 2005. Maybe we need to post more calendars.

Just Humiliating

I just had a humiliatin' experience. That's the last time I follow instructions that come to me in an e-mail from . . . well, you can probably figure out who. I went to Google, I typed in the word "failure," and I hit "I'm Feeling Lucky." And then there it was for all the world to see.

I can't believe it's just out there for anyone to point at and laugh. It's like high school and the gym short incident all over again.

Whatever you do, don't go to Google, type in the word "failure," and then hit "I'm Feeling Lucky." Just don't do it.

A Disappointing Morning

Okay, today may make me turn back to my original outlook on newspapers. As you may recall, awhile back I found that intriguing article on Beer Pong in the New York Times, so I decided to have another shot and had an aide sneak a copy of the Sunday Times into my office.

In that whole thing, not one article on beer. They have somethin' called an "Arts and Leisure" section, but it's misleadin'. Lotsa art, no leisure. No mention of beer, and no mention of alcoholic beverages of any kind. On top of that, there's some ad for a musical version of Tarzan. They take a great cartoon and try to make it all artsy--like next thing y'know they'll be tryin' to turn it into a novel or something.

So there I am, all disappointed with all that wasted time readin', when I see a copy of yesterday's editorial by George Will on a desk. So I think to myself, "Well, Dubya, he's a pretty conservative writer. Why not give another newspaper a chance and maybe you'll feel like readin's not a total waste." So I pick it up, and instead I wind up feelin' ambushed. Not only does he refer to my nomination of Harriet Miers as an act of "cronyism," but he also calls it "perfect perversity."

Now that is just goin' too far. I'll have you know that Harriet and I have never engaged in a single perverted act. Neither have we engaged in many perverted acts. Nor have we ever engaged in any non-perverted acts that would be considered of an adult nature. So, bottom line, no perversions. No perversity.

After today, I may never read another newspaper as long as I live!

Except, of course, the funnies, 'cause that Cathy just makes me laugh.

Feeling Defeated

Have you ever noticed how something starts out with promise?

At first there's even some early success.

But then, a ding here and a ding there--they add up y'know--and suddenly things have taken a downturn.

The crowd is against you. The pressure is suddenly on. People are even hoping you fail.

Then it just begins to feel like failure--like it's all inevitable and it can't be turned around.

Until there you are . . .

Chicago White Sox: 5
Houston Astros: 3

Oh well, Game Two is on Sunday--back to Iraq and my Presidency.

I'm Gonna be Fuming Mad, I'm Sure

Okay, I just saw where Colin Powell's former chief of staff, Lawrence "The Lariat" Wilkerson, says that Dick and Rummy formed a cabal to hijack U.S. foreign policy in relation to Iraq, Iran, and Korea. Now this is the first I hear tell of any cabal, and as soon as I find out what cabal means I'm sure I'm gonna mighty angry.

Update: Okay, it turns out that cabal means a small group that schemes and plots in secrecy. So I'm not angry afterall, 'cause what's wrong with that?

My Thanks to the People

I'd like to take a moment and thank the people who have made comments to my blog. It does a President good to see that people are readin' the serious thoughts of an American leader who is true to equilateral ideals and demagogic causes. So my thanks to "b," "Snaky Sneak," and "Chester A. Beagle."

In my press conference yesterday, I told the media that all the talk of scandal in the Republican Party was jus' white noise tryin' to distract me from the business of the American people. Well, as far as I'm concerned, you folks are the other white noise. You know, the good kind.

And, by the way, ever since that Scooter misunderstanding from earlier today I've stopped watchin' my T.V. with the mute on. It's so much nicer when it's just pictures, but--boy--there's a lesson learned.


Correction: I actually meant "egalitarian ideals and democratic causes."

Wow, Why is Everyone so Interested in Scooter?

Why is the media all a buzz about Scooter? He's not even my Chief of Staff. He's Dick's Chief of Staff. When in the history of U.S. politics has a Vice President's underling warranted so much attention? I mean, I'm the President. Nothin', and I mean nothin', happens here without my knowin' about it. I'm the one in charge, so if anyone should be gettin' credit for anything it should be me. Yet all I see on the T.V. are images of Scooter doin' this, and Scooter doin' that.

Hey, I just had a meeting with Abbas, and once I get my calendar in order I'll be bringin' peace to the Middle East, so how 'bout givin' the leader of the free world some press?


Update: Okay, I see, he's being investigated. I don't know nothin' 'bout it.

But I was Sure It Was Supposed to be Friday?!?

Okay, so this has been one confusing day. I wake up, and I'm havin' my breakfast--bacon, eggs, sausage, ham, did I mention the bacon?--and all of a sudden who shows up but Mahmoud Abbas!?! There I am standin' in the oval office with a plate of pork and pork by-products and I'm about to be face to face with the leader of the Palistinian people.

I thought he was supposed to show up tomorrow. I can't figure it out. What is this? Maybe it's the time difference or something? If it's today here, is it tomorrow in Gaza? Can't think what else it could be.

So I stuffed my plate in a drawer, shook his hand, and wound up nodding a lot. I hope I didn't agree to anything too important.

Big Meeting This Week

Well folks, it'll probably be a pretty thin blog week. I've got a big meetin' to gear up for. Fortunately, I have enough time to prep for it. This Friday I'll be meetin' with Mahmoud Abbas.

Before I'm no longer President, I aim to resolve this matter of Middle East conflict, bring violence out of the region--I mean, you know, get rid of it. Violence--not the Middle East. I mean you can't get rid of the Middle East--though, y'know it'd solve all sortsa headaches for me--'cept that we do need the oil. So, yes, bring a ceasing of the violence in and around the region, y'know where Israel is. And those other countries. The Arab ones. Anyway, peace. Bring the violence out, and bring in the peace. To the Middle East.

Anyway, I'll be gettin' ready, and on Friday I'll be prepared to make some bold steps to see that it happens.

When Did it Become Tuesday?

I was lookin' over my last postin', and I noticed that it said Tuesday, so I tried e-mailin' the host of this here blogsite, and the e-mail I got back also said it was Tuesday. I thought it was Monday.

That's just weird. So what the heck happened to Monday?

Dang it, this is just frustrating. I haven't experienced anything like it since, well . . . college.

Are the Flintstones Back?

I was on the phone today with a dignitary from one of those Asian countries and he asked me what I thought about Wilma. I told him that I thought she could be a bit of a nag, and that push come to shove I preferred Betty. The phone went silent, so I figured we must have lost the connection and hung up. Gosh, I didn't realize that the Flintstones had such a global following.

Planning for the Future

I hate to admit this, but I'm beginnin' to reconsider my view on readin' newspapers generally, and my disdain for the New York Times specifically. Now, as you know, I don't normally read news, much less the Times, but I found a Sunday copy layin' around an intern's desk. At first I was about to send her packin' for havin' the nerve to read the Times in this White House. But then this photo catches my eye: a bunch o' li'l plastic cups filled with beer and a ping pong ball hoverin' over 'em. Wow, I had to read about that!

Now, as you may imagine, since I found out yesterday that I can't run for President again, I've been reviewin' my future options. And after readin' this article on Beer Pong in the New York Times, I'm beginnin' to think that a sports career could be in order. I have to learn more about this game. Apparently, there are tournaments and everythin'. And to think, back when I was in college, all we had were jello-shots.

Of course, I'll have to be careful how I breach the idea with Laura, probably should wait 'til I'm outta office, but I bet Jenna would be thrilled to help her ol' dad regain his college form.

Gingrich is Back in the News

If it's not bad enough that Delay's being prosecuted, Frist's being investigated, and Miers' qualifications are being questioned by my own party, now an Aide tells me that yesterday Gingrich says he might run for President if other Republicans don't start promoting his ideas. What happened to party unity? What is going on here? Scandals and second guessing, and now ol' Newt wants to run against a sitting President of his own party. Give me a break.


Update: Okay, as it turns out I can't run for President again. Did anyone else know that?

Voting in Iraq

Well, there goes the press again, trying to smear my efforts at freedom and democracy. Here we are bringing democracy to Iraq, and the press goes and covers how the voters in western Iraq have no access to polling places at which to vote. Doesn't the press get it? Those folk in western Iraq are just gonna vote against the new constitution, 'cause they don't want the kind of freedom and democracy I can bring to them. And if they don't want the freedom and democracy I'm offering, then why should they get to vote on it? It's really as simple as that.

Besides, I don't understand why the press is even reporting on this. I mean it's not like they covered Ohio.

But Why Aren't I Successful?

I can't believe it. This is jus' an awful day. First I'm catching flak for staging and rehearsing a teleconference with soldiers, and now some poll finds that 41% of people think my presidency will be judged as unsuccessful. This is just unbelievable. And only 26% of people think I'll be seen as successful. What's up with that?

Then to top it off, I went and called Dad to tell him about the terrible day I'm havin', and you know what he says to me? He tells me to stop my whinin' and go have a pretzel.

Well, I don't like pretzels. They hurt.

What's Wrong with Stagings and Scripts?

Now here's something I don't understand. Whenever I watch a review of some movie, I always hear movie critics talk about production values and how important they are to the quality of the film. Remember The Matrix? Now that movie had some fine production values, and it was really popular. Same with Lord of the Rings, and that was popular, too.

So here I go and stage a teleconference with soldiers in Iraq, have Allison "Alley Cat" Barber make sure water bottles are cleared out of the background and rehearse them soldiers as to who gets to talk when, and suddenly I'm Mr. Unpopular. Like somehow all this is manipulative. Well, heck, if that's manipulative, then my whole administration is manipulative.

That's all I've got to say about that. And that's what I plan to tell them, too, at my next press conference.


Update: Okay, Scotty says I can't actually say that at the next press conference, or actually at any press conference. In fact, jus' about looked like he was gonna bust a gasket when I told him.

Responding to the Bird Flu

Since I mentioned last week that the U.S. might resort to the deployment of military resources to quarantine an outbreak of avian flu, the press has been asking for clarification about what that might mean. Now, I just want to settle everyone down. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, the details will be fleshed out. For now, it should be sufficient to note that this administration has utilized effective deployment of military assets to contain threats.

For example, since this administration has deployed assets to Iraq, violence has been contained to Iraq. Well, you know, largely contained to Iraq. With the exception, naturally, of Afghanistan. And, well, the bombings in Spain, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, London, and most recently Indonesia. And, of course, some smatterings of violence in the Philippines. But, you know, contained.

At any rate, no U.S. persons have been killed by terrorist types of violence, well, you know, except in Iraq, which is what I mean by contained.

So relax.

First Delay, Now Frist

Tom's fightin' somthin' fierce against charges of conspiracy to commit election fraud, not to mention money laundering. Then, just when it looked like Bill's conflict of interest story was fallin' out of the news cycle, some reporter digs up information about how Bill's brother manages hospital stocks held by both of them.

All I can say about this despicable, reprehensible state of affairs, the media houndin' good men and all, is that at least it means they ain't houndin' me. Finally, all that polling data is gone and I can just forget about my job performance. Now if only things would just stop blowin' up in Iraq. I sure hope someone's on top of that one.

Hey, maybe it'll be a good time to slip out for a vacation soon.

Lightnin' Bolt in the U.N.

Johnny "The Lightnin' Bolt" Bolton did us some fine service in the U.N. today. The U.N.'s Special Advisor to Kofi Annan wanted to brief everyone about some grave human rights violations in Darfur, and we put a stop to that. It was funny too, cause ol' Lightnin' Bolt told 'em that they needed to act instead of talk. But the thing of it is, if they don't talk and the press don't cover it, no one will have to act. Now that's just a hoot . . . , except for, you know, the part about human rights violations.

No Blue Monday

Well, first on Saturday the Longhorns beat up on the Sooners (no offense to Oklahomans), then the on Sunday the Cowboys trounced the Eagles, and then later Sunday Houston beat Atlanta in eighteen innings. That was some weekend! Then, this morning I read how two studies say that eating fish delays the onset of dementia. And guess what? I'm having fish for dinner tonight! It's just great. So I'm not gonna let any negative polling data get me down today.


Update: Okay, I have to admit, the polling data's got me a little down. I mean I'm losing my base: evangelicals, Republican males . . . . But chin up, it's fish for dinner. It'll be okay.

Women's Hall of Fame Inducts Clinton???

Okay, I just heard that Clinton got inducted into the Women's Hall of Fame. What is it with that guy and women? Women like him so much they even induct him into a hall of fame just for women? Why is he so popular with women? He's not even President any more. I'm President. Why not me?


Update: Oh, it was Hillary Clinton. Never mind.

Some Game!!!

45 to 12. Okay, I don't mean to rub it in or anything. But 45 to 12. Whoooeee!!! There'll be some celebratin' in TEXAS!

As for that idea about Kashmir and being prepared for a natural disaster in the U.S., I saw Dick and Karl in the hall after the game and mentioned how I wanted to give a speech about that. Dick just stared at me somethin' fierce and told me not to be a f*****g wise ass, then stomped off in a huff. Karl just doubled over laughin' and said, "Good one, Dubya, good one." I smiled, nodded, and walked off, but I don't get it. What just happened there?

Halftime

At the half it's Longhorns 24 and Sooners 6. A glorious game for the great state of Texas!!!

Now I have to look into that sweater thing.


Update: Oh yeah, it was Kashmir (not cashmere), as in Pakistan-India border. A lot of people are hurtin'. That whole thing's got me thinking. We should make sure that a natural disaster can't hurt the American people in a similar fashion. Or, at the very least, we should be prepared for such an event. That sounds like a good idea. I'll bring it up with Dick and Karl.

Whoa, game's startin' up again.

Go Longhorns

Don't mean any offense to the great people of Oklahoma, a tried and true red state after all, but the Longhorns are up seven zip. I'm smellin' a blowout. I'm all settled in to enjoy the game. Got my beverages. Got my chips.

Just before kickoff, though, some Aide comes waltzing in and wants to talk with me about sweaters and catastrophic events. Something about cashere and earthquakes. I told him the games startin', and if he wants to talk about some kind of fashion shake-up he should go find the missus.

Whoops, commercial break's over, got to get back to the game! Go Longhorns!


Update: Okay, as it turns out, it was Kashmir and not cashmere. An earthquake--this is important. I'll have to look into it at half-time.

TGIF

Sure am glad it's the weekend. New polls are out. Still low. Hoverin' around 39 points. On top of that, Sen. Chuck Grassley's talkin' with the press about how frustrated he is with the White House stonewallin' his health assistance bill for victims of Katrina. But I just won't go along with some pork laden, Democrat led bill jus' cause it says it'll assist people. Oh, it's a headache. Polls are low, Dems are tryin' to make me look bad.

But TGIF!!! Now I can forget about all that stuff and enjoy the weekend.


Update: Wait a minute, Chuck's a Republican just like me. So why are we stallin' that bill?

BBC Documentary

Scotty's all in a bother about some BBC documentary. Says he's gotta talk with the press about it. Came in and asked me whether I've been talking about the Lord. I says to him I'm a good Christian, so what do you think? Not sure I see the connection, though. Must be a documentary on team prayer. Regardless, I didn't realize our press guy was such a big college football fan. Go Longhorns!!!

Summary Report

An Aide just came into my office and handed me a summary report, said that Schroeder and Angela Merkel were negotiating the Chancellery. I don't recall this Angela character, so I asked him what happened to Lucy Van Pelt. He winked at me and said, "Good one, sir," so I smiled back and nodded. Not sure what to make of that.

And what's with this "Chancellery"? Is that the name of his piano?

Sacrifice

Gave a speech on sacrifice today and learned somethin' new. It's "sacrifice" with an "i" and not "sacrafice" with an "a." Didn't know that. Just goes to show, you always have to be prepared to learn somethin' new.

The Economy's Looking Up

Just got off the phone with Snowman--you know, Treasury guru, Johnny Snow, that's what I like to call him anyway. Snowman. Get it. You know, 'cause of his hair. At any rate, just got off the phone and things are looking good. the economy is inflatin' and gettin' bigger. Democrats are out there worryin' about the debt like mother hens, but here I am growin' the economy.

Took that phrase right from Clinton just to get their goats. (Don't tell anyone.)

Anyhow, this here economy, it's growin' and inflatin', and don't forget who to thank for that.


Update: Okay, as it turns out inflation is a bad thing. Means prices are getting higher. Huh, how about that?

Lunch

Just had lunch. Laura makes the best roast beef sandwiches. And I love those little individual bags with the chips in 'em. Now I'm ready to get back to the business of running this grand nation.


Update: Turns out Laura didn't make the sandwich. It came from the kitchen. Matter of fact, she says she hasn't made a sandwich in years. Well, I'll be darned.

Sounds like Trouble

An Aide just told me that Tammy might be stirring to make some trouble in Florida. Can't say as I like the sound of that, what with Jeb being being there and all. Who is this Tammy anyway? I asked the FBI to investigate. You can be sure, we'll take care of this.


Update: Okay, so it turns out Tammy is a storm. Not to worry, Brownie will take care of that.


Update: Oh yeah, Brownie's gone.

Supreme Thinking

Uncle Dick sure is one smart fella. Him and Karl came up with the idea of nominating Harriet to the Supreme Court. At first I asked them what they were thinking. She's my lawyer, afterall. What am I gonna do without a lawyer? But then they pointed out that a judge trumps a lawyer, and I figure Supreme Court judge trumps most other judges. Heck, on top of that she's the White House Counsel and she's been my lawyer for 'bout a decade. That means those liberal dems can't ask for any of her papers on account of lawyer-client privilege. Hah!!! Dick, Karl, and me sure had a good laugh over that one.


Update: Karl just told me that a Supreme Court Judge trumps ALL other judges, not just most others. Wow.